We never knew we were too young
Untill they made us fire our first gun
And momma says its a sin to kill
Becuase it goes against the father's will
But if not for this suicidal dream
It would not have made the girls all scream
And that is why I wansn't there before
What do they keep on fighting for?

And so they marched
Against all hope and odds
Without a motive, without a cause
Figting cuase their country told them to
Striking terror in the hearts of me and you
And so the boys charge into the night
So we would not go down without a fight
We never knew what lives we had
Untill they were sent to Baghdad

They were sent to the desert sands
Where freedom will be made to take a stand
And blood and sweat will be mixed with fire
As they journey toward the funeral pyre
AND IN THAT RED HOT AUGUST SUN
WE KNEW OUR CHILDHOOD DAYS WERE DONE
And I watched my friends go off to war
What do they keep on fighting for?

 Hoo-ah guys, Hoo-ah

¡updated¡

It is raining, hard.
I am walking toward my car through the grass.  I am not flenching at the rain.
I am looking straight forward, toward my car, just walking.
There is a woman sitting on the front porch.
She is crying, I am not.
She used to be my mother.
Then she chose not to be.

That was four days ago.

Today, I am a completely different person.  That day was the beginning of my life.  I didn't even begin to understand until then.  About life.  About what it can do to you.  About what it can give you.  And what it can take away.

Life took my family away from me.
My home.
My world.
Life gave me a new me.
A new outlook.
And a new center.

If they don't care, then I don't care.

It was the fourth of July.
"Independance Day"
Yeah.
I bet.
Started with my mom not wanting to see my face again.
Ended with fireworks.
Appropriate.
I needed to see something burn.
And it burned beautiful.

I am still not complete.
And I'm begginning to think I won't be.

Enjoy your lives people.
Before they take something away from you.

And now, I am forced back here... A week since it happened...
In this shell of a house...
My body's not even cold... but it shivers

When I walk in the door, everything looks exactly the way it did when I left.
But I have never been here before.
There is a woman that lives at this house
And a man.
And a boy.
My dog IS here though =)

GIVE ME MY WINGS

Well, here it is... The Anatomy of a Night:
I have a blank spiral, a pen, a small clock, a moderately comfy chair, a fan - scratch that- a breeze machine, my entire CD library, and a stereo with headphones.  A small white lamp and a small red lamp, both turned on at the same time.  A shirt, boxers, a bandage over my toe, a (closed) bottle of codine, my antibiotics.  A mouse and mousepad (no computer).  A bed that feels uninviting right now, nothing to do, a mind FULL of thoughts, and a good mood. 
WARNING I don't know where I'm going with this, it could get long and/or uncomfortable.  By the way, if you don't like my music, then fuck you.

Oh - and prepare for random song lyrics I'm listening to to be spliced into this...

11:00 PM
CD: Frankenstein Girls Will Seem Strangely Sexy
By: Mindless Self Indulgence

I've tried to consume every last piece of it.  I didn't want anything left over, nothing spit out, no crumbs on the floor, no peanut butter smeared on a napkin.  Swallowed - completely, and utterly.  Why, why so much perfection?  It was only a sandwhich.  What need was there in it?  What did it really do for me?  It must have been truly just becuase that was one of the few things in my life that I knew I actually had control over.  That was the one thing I wanted that I could get, that was the one thing that I started that I could finish.
Me: Where is my shit?
Patrick: ?
Patrick: What shit?
Me: My shit
Patrick: I don't know
Me: It's in my hand
Patrick: ?
Me: Want in one hand and shit into the other and see which fills up first. -its not clean or pretty, but its true-
Me: Wanting is intangible, only doing
Me: Shit is tangible
Me: I need something tangible
Me: Therefore, I need my shit
Me: So where is it?
Patrick: Its in your hand
Me: Thank you

Wanting certainly does seem to be something that I'm good at.  Really, if nothing else.  I've certainly proven that I'm not good at getting.  Some other time - some other place - I could feel real important.  No, not anymore, I should feel dissapointed.  Don't try to tell me something else.  I don't want to hear "Oh Walter, you'er so wonderful" or none of this "Dude, you're such a great person".  If I'm so wonderful than why am I so misunderstood, everybody has a reason for it except me.  It's the little things in life that we are all waiting for.  Too bad I'm never there when they happen.

Honesty, I mean, really what is that?  The honest truth?  I'll tell you.  I honestly don't think I have a shot at this thing.  People can tell me everything that they want, I can have as much support from as many friends as I want.  I don't think showing up at the door with an army all holding roses would help.  But I talk about this too much - maybe something else.

11:45
CD: Them vs. You vs. Me
By: Finger Eleven

It's not so bad, you're only the best I never had.  I wonder what is the perfect combination?  This dude is like "Necromancer/Monk Man! My bro says its perfect."  I'm thinking WHAT THE FUCK??  This dude thinks that the best way to lead the kingdom's army is to worship the art of death and the art of life? Then it hits me - WHOAH!!!! That is perfect!
"You've go to find your balance"
(from Falling On, by Finger Eleven)
What if you really and truly were in control of the art of life and death.  Saving who you thought was really worthy of being saved, and killing who you thought was deserving of death.

Man, what is up with painkillers?  I know I'm not addicted.  I know thid becuase I don't take them every day, and its entirely at random when I do.  And I don't take more than one at a time, but I mean seriously!! Codine loves to mess with your head!

"Take All the people you know
and get them out of the sun
try to show them you care
and watch them just try to run
Love like you have no fears
bury them under your face
Swallow all of your tears
no matter how salty they taste"

Yeah, I wrote that, no I don't know why, or what it was about.  Nor from what part of my subliminal mind it came from.  Wow, this lighting combination is weird.  One of my hands has a bright blue shadow.  The other one has a bright red shadow.  Wow, i just popped a codine, why would I do that?  Oh, cuz I want to go to sleep, when you are tired, codine makes that really easy to do.  When you have a lot of energy - codine gives you an acid trip.  Warning! codine and Rockstar DO mix.  I can't decide what CD to put in next... ahh here we go!

12:10
CD: FutureSex/LoveSounds
By: Justin Timberlake

Just what I need to put me in a funny mood.  Is it odd that I suddenly feel really lonely right now?  I better set my alarm now before I forget.  6:20 AM - just enough time for me to wake up and perhaps decide to sleep for two snooze button presses should I feel like it.  But why does my mind always go back to her?  No matter how I displace myself or avert my attention I can't stop thinking about ... her.  This small table is the PERFECT height for me to prop my legs up on.  My stomach hurts - is it becuase I'm hungry, or is it becuase I took antibiotics and pain meds without food for a few hours.

What has become of me?  I used to be a perfect little devout and brainwashed Christian... have my eyes been opened or just corrupted?  How do I know... How do I even FUCKING know?  Is there anyone else in my situation right now?  Do you feel that propoganda has been shoved down your throat by everyone you were tought to trust all your life since the day you were born?  My parents, my teachers, my priests, boy scouts, sunday school... All of that. All propoganda, how do I sort through it?  Props to Sushant on developing this theory:  "Follow None, Respect All" - awesome, although, I must say I really don't think that works for me.  I still believe in God, I'm just not sure what to believe about him.  I could see us holding hands, walking on the beach our toes in the sand, I could see us on the countryside - sitting on the grass laying side by side.  I mean, I see too much evidence in the world, in life in general to make me believe that there is a God.  But what about him?  What does he want me to do?  What am I supposed to believe in?
you gave me something to believe in.  I just wish you could feel it too.

12:40
CD: 10,000 Days
By: Tool

Credulous at best your desire to believe in
Angels in the hearts of men
Pull your head on out
Your head believes it give a listen
I shouldn't have to say it all again
The universe is hostile
So impersonal
Devour to survive
So it is, so it's always been ...

I'm going to go work out now - and when I say go, I mean walk three feet to where my weights are, take off my headphones, turn the stereo to low volume ( so my folks don't hear it) and stop writing for a while.

She's got me love-stoned.

1:10
(still listening to Tool)

Whooh! That felt good, actually hurts my arms just to write right now.  I enjoy really hard workouts.  There is something oddly theraputic about pushing yourself far past the brink.  You know, I'm not Rafael Nadal, but it still feels good to say that I can bench in ranges over 200 lbs.

Ok, turned off the white light now, only the dim red light is on.  And the soft glow of the LCD display on my stereo.  I really like this atmosphere - reminds me of the first time I - nevermind.  Mmmmm... Vitamin supplements lovin' it... wow, taht makes 4 different types of pills in the last 4 hours! How weird am I?
Breathe in union so as one survive another day in seasoned silence - stay out of my way.

1:20
CD: The New Way To Be Human
By: Switchfoot

hehe, is it weird that I still like Christian rock?  Switchfoot, Sonic Sound, Casting Crowns, P.O.D. ... all Christian rock, all pretty enjoyable.. Hmmmm... oh well.  Sonic burgers are good when you have the munchies.  That's what I'm eating right now.

Yeah, I got too hot with my shirt on (gasp!).  Apparently, my parents have stopped believing in air conditioning - they claim it has to do with spreading mold - I think the truth is that we're just too poor for the energy bill.  He's checking all the faces on the back of the milk, he's sour under all this pressure, it seems the missing person looks an awfull lot like him.  I wish I had my laptop right now.  I want to know how the Rangers did, I wonder if Sosa got his 600th career home run?  I wonder what's on youtube right now.  I wonder why when it rains, it pours?

Dammit, how come when I try not to think about her, and actually hadn't in like 20 minutes (probably a record) the song that reminds me more of her than any other comes on (the funny thing is, I doubt she's heard it)  honestly, I don't really know why it makes me think of her, it just does.  I guess I knew it was on this CD, I just wasn't thinking about it.  The song, in case you were wondering is called Amy's Song by Switchfoot.  It's really good.  Actually, I strongly recomend this CD.  Even though Switchfoot is not really very high on my list of favorite bands (just becuase I like such a wide and diverse variety) and that was redundant, but this is definitely my favorite CD that I have ever heard.  I LOVE to listen to every last song on it... I'm not gay by the way.

1:45
CD: Getting Away With Murder
By: Papa Roach

My weakness is that I care too much.
That statement could not be closer to the truth.  Ok, now my lava lamp is on, and my red light is off.  It is getting pretty hard to see what I am writing, so I guess I'm almost through.  I think the codine is finally kicking in.  I should definitely stop writing for fear of what I might say.  I guess before I wrap this up, I want to officially apologize to everybody I have ever wronged.  To anyone I've ever lied to, hurt the feelings of, made cry, said the wrong thing to, left, decieved, avoided, not cared about, turned down, been turned down by, or offended.
This has been my getting up.  I think I am over myself now.  Tomorrow will be a very good day.  I have exorcised myself (not exercised, although I did that too)  but my inside has been cleaned.  I didn't write everything that I thought, but its good to have let all of these thoughts escape in one way or another.  If there is anyone upset or insecure with themself, I strongly recomend doing this.  Listen to your absolute favorite music, get away from the computer and tv, and just write.  About nothing. I feel that I wrote about nothing and everything at the same time and now I feel better than I ever have after any trip to confession with a priest.  I'm reaching higher than I ever have before, we may be some sort of crazy, I may be some sort of crazy, but I swear to you on everything I am and more...  Maybe that just shows how shallow and misleading that can be.  I need to start my own religion... my own set of beliefs, anyone wanna join me =]?  I am ready.  I have forgiven myself.  I am ready to be a changed person.  I say this more fervently than ever: Good LUck WitH Life!!!!
I'm gonna put this on Xanga

p.s.  If you actually read this whole thing, you have my deepest grattitude and appreciation.  Just remember, it took me longer to write this than it did for you to read it =)

So, I don't know how things happen but they do...

I don't know how my feelings happen, but the do...

I don't know how other people express their feelings, but they do...

I don't know what other people know about my feelings, or even if they do...

I don't know how time passes, but it does...
It did
It still does...

I don't know how life occurs, but it does...

All I know is if you wanna know if I love you, I do...

I thought love was, more or less, a giving thing,
Seems the more I gave, the less I got
What's the use in trying?
All you get is pain.
When I needed sunshine, I got rain.

I'm sure that I bring my own problems on myself... but if you do that... how do you send them back?
Can you?

so...

why is live so complicated

the city is far from here now <-- when will i ever get there?

why can't we all just be there

why do we have to be here... here where no one wants to be

is it really that hard to get there?

it must be or that is where we would all be

...

i can't wait

i can't wait to get home

...

wherever that is

why is life so complicated

why can't people say yes

was there something wrong with the way the question was asked?

or the person who asked it...

i may never know

why is life so complicated 

It is a truly morbid experience when suicide comes into your head as an option
You cannot even immagine what it feels like until you think that ending your life is the easiest way to solve a problem.
I think to myself "I can't kill myself, I would go straight to hell"
Then I say "Would that really be any worse than living this life?"
Then I think "Maybe I'm already doomed to go to hell anyways"
I've been anything but a saint, and sometimes it just feels like I'm stuck in this never ending cycle of shit... yeah I'm probably going to hell
I don't even know if there really is a hell, I can't know.
I don't know how bad it is, or anything really
Maybe dying isn't really so bad no matter how you've lived.
Maybe religion is only a standard to keep people from being unruly.
Maybe when you die you just cease to exist.
That wouldn't be so bad.
I wish I had something to believe in.
I wish I had a life.
The last time I can remember being truly happy with where my life was at was when I had a girlfriend.  I think I need another one of those.  But where can you find them these days, they are pretty hard to come bye.  That would be cool if there was a store for them.  You could just walk in and see your perfect idea of a woman with all the right characteristics and then BLAM!!!! you'd have a happily ever after.
I want a happily ever after.
I want something to believe in.
I don't think I want to kill myself so much anymore.
I just think that I just want to somehow be dead.

Today was a bad day...

I mean, I have had bad days before, but usually they are just the kind of things I can shrug off

Today was really bad, I was angrier than I have ever been in a long ass time... I am really not feeling any better right now, plus my anger took away all my energy so I am currently aggitated, angry, tired, cranky, and anwry

I really don't feel like going into detail as to why I had a bad day but I will say that it had a lot to do with people being dumbasses, me being a dumbass, traffic lights being dumbasses, and a myraid of personal problems.

Arghh, I wish things would just make sense... I wish people weren't so damn confusing

Well anyways I'm gonna try and shift gears here a little:

First, I wish to bid a very fond farewell to all those people who are leaving off to colleges that I may never see again... I will miss you all a lot, even if I never really talked to you, your being there meant something.

Secondly, everybody who is staying pretty close, this is gonna be a helluva thing us all goin to college so lets see what we can make of it.  We of course have to stay in touch and just have as much fun as possible (if anyone wants to hang out and be a dumbass with me at any time, you know how to get in touch)

Lastly, I am most looking forward to my friends that are going to be at the same college: Patrick, Ruby, haha Eslami, and maybe (hopefully) Vicki.  I can't wait to share this time with y'all.  I am very fortunate that the people going here are literally some of my closest friends and although I will be starting a semester later, I already can't wait.

This year has been one crazy shit of a ride and there is no way that I can some it up in the amount of time and space people usually devote to these xanga posts.  I am very sorry that I can't say anything really deep or emotional right now, but like I said at the beginning, I am really not in the right state of mind right now.  If you want some really well thought out or thought provoking insight into the future either talk to me when I'm feeling better or talk to Sushant or Patrick

by the way, I really need to get this off my chest:
FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel maybe a little bit better now,

One last order of business, this is a story/song/poem that I have been working on for quite a while now and is easily my favorite thing I have ever written, I actually enjoy just sitting down and reading it over and over to myself.  It is about an angel named Maurie and a demon named Jules falling in love:

i know it's kinda long, but if you sit all the way through it, it will be well worth your time

Jules and Maurie

He once believed that in this glance he could find love
He once saw a future and a chance for them to rise above
He once believed the sky was not a limit for those like him
He once saw a fire in her evil eyes and perfection in the lips above her chin

She was a fighter, a warrior, and an unmaker of men
She knew well of her weapon - the lips above her chin
She would always get what she wanted and she wanted that way
Unfortunately for the mortal world she wanted Maurie that day

How can you break them, leave their future unwritten
How do you tell that their love is not blessed by the stars
Their fight is within and it's only begining
How can they find eachother if they forgot who they are

Now Maurie was on a crash course spiral toward the ground
He leapt without looking, now he's earthward bound
But where he found his hope was not from within
His hope was in perfection of the lips abover her chin

How is it now in the time that they seperate
They can burn bright the truth upon nonbelievers
Here is no witness, no eyes, and no evidence
Of Jules' and Maurie's so-called unconditional love

She had no virtue, no ties to the father
While the Spirit burned bright inside Maurie's heart
But his love was so great he was willing to seperate
And he tore the bond of his maker apart
Jules was his savior, his only redemption
He had reached the sky, but it was good enough for him
She had clipped his wings so that he could have freedom
He would have cut them off for the lips above her chin

But now Jules seemed so distant and shot up by reality
Sickened by this synapse, she was fading fast
Maurie fetched the Spirit - his bucket of water
He had to find a way to make this thing last

"Tell me a way to make us here now and perfect
Tell me a way to not leave here at a loss
Show me a sign my dissobediance was worth it
Or just give me my wings so that I may take off"

Jules remained uneffected, her future unwritten
The world was enough though he gave her the stars
If she thought it was over, it was only beginning
He gave up his old self to become what they are

Jules saw in Maurie her plans' full-circle
We cannot see comming what does not yet exist
So how is it that in her he could see life eternal
And the world must decay for their lives to persist

Show me a miracle, just end this tonight
They cannot play God with no religion themselves
It is safe to say they made a pact with the devil
It is safe to say we will all burn in hell
But there won't be a witness when all this is over
To put into detail the tragedies of our lives
As the planets explode and the universe collapses
Who will recount to all of his sacrafice

The least are made high while the first are corrupted
Have we lost our rights to live, to kill, to die, and to breathe
While angels and demons play games with eachother
All we can do is to watch and to greive
With the universe on the sidelines awaiting the verdict
Why did Maurie and Jules have to make this mistake
And the sky cries so loud that I'm sure that you heard it
If you pray to a God, start now before its too late

For how is it here in the time that they seperate
They can burn bright the truth upon nonbelievers
Here is no witness, nor eyes, nor evidence
Of Jules' and Maurie's short time here on earth
The demons are laughing while angels are dying
Their struggle for acceptance trancends mortal realm
Does falling from the sky remove some great curse
I could not believe that this was ever possible
Why must I bear witness to this apocolyptic birth
There is no hope here on earth for us mortals
If heaven and hell are to walk hand-in-hand
What made him bow down and impossible happen
Where is the rock on which I used to stand
Displaced as the skies rupture in flame
And jules and Maurie are tied to eachoter
We are forced into this surreal love game

How can we find a solice trough paradox
As great beams of darkness shoot down from above
There is no excuse nor explanation for it
There is no peace in the burning of a dove
Angels and Demons weren't meant for eachother
God save us all from Jules' and Maurie's unconditional love

For how is it here in the time that they seperate
They can let it be known to all nonbelievers
That they're won't be a witness, no eyes, and no evidence
There won't be a world for us to live in that day
There won't be a single goddamn shot at redemption
There won't be any life to get in the way
Becuase Jules and Maurie had to fall for eachoter
And light up the earth and the skies and the stars
And fall out like cynders from a celestial volcano
That ruptures the very core of who we think we are
And when mankind has no virtue or sense of morality
It gives Jules and Maurie motive to do what they did
So we must find a way to rise over and above
The sins of our fathers and the crimes of those to come
Will you be here with me when all this is over
To witness Jules' and Maurie's unconditional love

And as she fell down she whispered "Thank you for believing
You have helped open my eyes to what many thought they couldn't see"
But as Jules collapsed there with Maurie's sword through her heart
For the first time since they met, Maurie got back his wings
Flying toward the sky over our broken earth
A sore sight indeed for any person to have to see
Maurie's smile grew and his laughter filled the air as he said
"Much better you, than me"

I need the courage to put the pieces together

...yours and mine

 Okay, that is now officially the hardest thing that I have left to do in my senior year
I'm graduating cum laude (somehow) and I have my college stuff all taken care of too...
who'da thunk?

~Good Luck With Life

I like person

person is weird, person is cool, person is funny, person is a little fucked up, person is pretty deep, person is fun to be around, person is just like me, person is so different from me.

I like person

also there are some people that I am growing more and more distant from.  Some of these people it truly saddens me that I feel like my friendship is dwindling and some of these people cause me to breathe a sigh of good riddance. 

Don't worry this is not my final post before graduation, so I owe everyone a final whammy