Sure, I didn’t have to closest of xanga relations with Remy a.k.a. Porcupinesol, but I can’t help but notice that not only has she not posted in over a month, but the first person to ever have xanga tattooed on them’s most recent blog suggests she has tumors of some sort and malignancy has yet to be determined.

    I would ask for your prayers, but she was never really into that kinda stuff.  But perhaps we should keep her in our thoughts?

    Either that, or I have been away from xanga for so long myself that I no longer know what I am talking about.

    Dear all of you old farts that drive around in you fucking Cadillacs who left your house 3 hours early to make it on time for Bingo night,

    I am not a geezer, and as such, I still go to work, I still have a relatively busy schedule, and I still have most of my teeth.  As such, I don’t exactly fit into the time slots that you force me into by driving AT LEAST 20 miles below the speed limit in these one lane roads that we unfortunately co-inhabit.  In short, IF YOU DON’T HAUL YOUR PRUNY ASSES OUT OF THE WAY, MY PLUMP AND SMOOTH ASS WILL BE LATE TO WORK.  Thank you.

    Dear kindly chaps of a more experienced age who so skillfully manipulate your automobiles and who practice extreme forethought by leaving to your festive gatherings with plenty of time to spare.

    I fear that I lack the refinement and distinction that you have exhibited throughout the lengthy course of your existence.  I dare say that I am not yet worthy of retirement nor the more leisurely itinerary that has been graced upon yourselves, additionally my inner jaws are still well adorned.  Be as it is, I often find myself in the rear of your carriages during which events I may not have left such an open window prior to my arrival at my scheduled destination as to allow for the safe practice of carrying about in a manner that ranges somewhere below the maximum allotment.  Although I could easily place the finger upon the poor judgement of the department of transportation for not increasing the capacity of the roads upon which we are both sharing, I instead would simply implore that you might consider to expedite thineselves so that I may stand an increased chance of arriving in good accord at the correct hour of the day to my current place of employment.  I am genuinely gracious for your concern.

    Until next time, good luck with life.

    This just in…

    Black people really are different from the rest of us.

    … they’re black.

    Dear Mr. Shmultzberger,

    Thank you very much for contributing to the Christian Children’s Fund.  The child that you sponsored, Nikolai Rwonda will soon be able to communicate with you via mail and you can begin your fantastic experience of helping to support a child in need.  Again thank you from your friends at the Chirstian Children’s Fund.

    Dear Mr. Shamaltsaburger,

    Daddy says for me to thank you for sending him this month’s charitable donation.  My name is Nikolai and I live with my father and uncle in Zimbabwe.  I am very happy to make you new friend and I can’t wait to read your letters!

    Dear Nikolai,

    Thank you for your letter, tell your father it was my pleasure to help out your nourishment and continued growth.  How old are you?  Do you go to school?  What do you like to do?

    Dear Mr. Shmaltezbarger,

     Daddy says the the money you sent with your last letter wasn’t enough.  It was food only for him and uncle.  He says thank you, but please send more this time.  I am twelve years old.  Daddy says not to answer the second question.  I like to sit and do as I am told.

    ….

    Dear Nikolai,

    I am sorry to hear that, I will be sure to send more this time.  Do you have any friends there with you?  What is your favorite food?

    Dear Mr. Malt-burger,

     I do not feel too well, short letter now.  I talk more next time.

  Dear Nikolai,

    I am very sorry about your health.  I am sending you a special surprise this month with the money, I hope that you really like it.  My wife and I care a lot about you and we hope that you return to health.  We look forward to being here for you as you grow and develop into a strong future.

    Dear Mr. Shmultzberger,

     Thank you for your program here with the Christian Children’s Fund.  We are very sorry to inform you that Nikolai Rwonda has died of malnutrition.  Perhaps if your donations were larger, you could have helped to save his life.  Please continue to use our programs in the future.  Thank you for your time.

Until next time, good luck with life.

   Junction City Arkansas:  The Junction City Junctions suffered a nail-biting defeat during last night’s championship game against the Hawaii Volcanoes.  The NBA2 defending champs were outscored 119-120 on their own turf in one of the closest NBA2 games in history.  After going into septuple overtime, the Junctions had a real chance to lock it away when their star center Anthony McAnthony was fouled on shot with .2 seconds left, allowing him to take two free-throws.  After doing his signature routine on the free-throw line: a sign of the cross, followed by a quick prayer and then 5 decades of the rosary, he failed on both baskets sealing the game, and the pennant for the Volcanoes.  When interviewed after the game, McAnthony had this to say:

    “Man, I don’t know what happened up there on those last two shots, man.  I mean, dog, you know, I’m like, this close with Jesus, and you know, I just thought he had my back out there, man.  I just really didn’t think he was going to let me down like that, know what I’m saying?  Man, if he hadn’t screwed that up, we’d be singing a different song right now, ya know?”

   This was coming off of the previous night’s crushing victory over the New York New Yorkers during which game the Volcanoes won by a deciding 23 points.  At this go-around, many of the Junctions’ key players were noted as having thanked God and Jesus for everything they did for them and helping them win the game.  In fact, the future of Jesus H. Christ, who was declared last year as the captain of the Junctions, may now no longer be with the team.  We spoke with coach Daemon during the press conference on this issue:

    “You know, Jesus has really been in there for us the past few seasons, and we really thought things were going are way.  When I acquired him three years ago, we knew that we would be able to establish a certain level of chemistry with the players.  I just never expected him to choke at such a critical junction in our franchise.  I have spoken with Coach Clapton of the Heathens and he mentioned interest of making a trade.”

    Inside sources have revealed that the trade that coach Daemon spoke of may have been for Heathens’ star Allah who hasn’t really been there for the team lately.  Our insider claims that Daemon has “met several times with Allah and even given Allah a tour of Junction City.” 

    -Walter Eadie, Otiose Sports.

    Are you too GREEN with envy over other people’s blogs?
    Is your blog in need of an environmental overhaul?
    Are you ready to really DIG IN to some sound advice?
    Forget all those other tips and tricks that so called hot shot bloggers try to sell you about making it big, those gas-guzzlers aren’t going to know what hit them.

    Al Gore recently accepted an invitation I offered him for an interview that I wanted to post on my blog. I admit I have been away for quite some time, but you must understand that arranging the travel and meeting plans with such a figurehead takes time and energy. I finally got the interview that I wanted and I shall post it here for your viewing pleasure.

    ME: Your Green-ness it is a great honor to be able to give this interview, thank you very much!
    Gore: The pleasure is mine.
    ME: I have prepared a list of questions here that I was planning on-
    Gore: What?? What? How could you! Never come to an interview with a list of questions prepared anywhere but in your head! I can’t believe this, you could have completely avoided using that sheet of paper.
    ME: You are absolutely correct sir. Anyways, I meant to ask you a few questions about what you think of online blogging since it has become such a craze in the last few years.
    Gore: Ah yes, online blogging, a very interesting topic. I myself, am actually a very avid online blogger, or rather, I enjoy reading them, they aren’t very practical for me since my steam-powered computer requires that I crank it constantly with my left hand, and typing can become quite inconvenient.
    ME: Well, what are your favorite online blogs?
    Gore: Well, there was this one that I was reading yesterday that was completely devoted to replacing cell phones with carrier pidgins. I thought it was the best idea I have heard in years.
    Me: No doubt…
    Gore: Actually, while we’re on the subject of blogging, do you mind if I share with your readers a few of my tips for more efficient blogging?
    Me: (Oh brother) Go right ahead

Al Gore’s Tips on Eco-Blogging

1) Never, ever, ever, blog at nighttime, or in the early morning hours. I know that nobody ever does this, and that all blogging generally takes place in the daytime anyways, but unless you plan on buying  a large amount of candles, blogging at night wastes way too much electricity on lighting.

2) Theme your blog with a dark colored or black background. Darker colors saves your computer lots of energy and doesn’t force it to display bright images. Plus, it’s easier on your eyes.

3) If your blog sucks, stop blogging! There is no bigger waste of energy in the blogging world than a crappy blog. Blogging takes up a valuable and limited resource called e-space. Much more practical uses could be found for this space, such as blogs about saving whales.

4) Don’t type too fast. Also known as “revving the keyboard” typing too fast is a waste of precious key-gas and can cost you lots of money, plus all the waste products that it emits can be a further contributor to e-warming.

Me: Wait a minute, did you just say e-warming?
Gore: You don’t know about e-warming?

Back when I invented the internet, I didn’t foresee a situation that has become a major problem as of late. Back then, we didn’t know what exactly the internet looked like. Not until researchers at the Bar Ilan University came up with an advanced diagram of the internet. Here, I’ll explain to you what you should be looking for:
 
    As you can see, this diagram largely resembles the earth.  The internet is largely made up of dozens of colored dots.  That’s really all it is.  The more toward the center these colored dots are, the more inclined they are to collide with eachother.  This collision creates friction, and as we all know, friction generates heat.

    Me:  So what would happen if the internet gets too hot?
    Gore:  It would blow up, along with every computer connected to it in the world.  This is why we need to focus on designing more internet-efficient computers, and of course, by blogging more efficiently.
    Me:  But isn’t internet warming just a myth? 
    Gore:  Does this look like a myth to you?

    Gore: We need to be smart about this.
    Me:  Well, thank you Mr. Gore, and thank you readers.  Don’t forget, until next time, good luck with life!
    (Pan out to slowly reveal entire newsroom while Mr. Gore and I continue to look like we are engaged in an important conversation)
    (Roll closing titles and credits)