Junction City Arkansas:  The Junction City Junctions suffered a nail-biting defeat during last night’s championship game against the Hawaii Volcanoes.  The NBA2 defending champs were outscored 119-120 on their own turf in one of the closest NBA2 games in history.  After going into septuple overtime, the Junctions had a real chance to lock it away when their star center Anthony McAnthony was fouled on shot with .2 seconds left, allowing him to take two free-throws.  After doing his signature routine on the free-throw line: a sign of the cross, followed by a quick prayer and then 5 decades of the rosary, he failed on both baskets sealing the game, and the pennant for the Volcanoes.  When interviewed after the game, McAnthony had this to say:

    “Man, I don’t know what happened up there on those last two shots, man.  I mean, dog, you know, I’m like, this close with Jesus, and you know, I just thought he had my back out there, man.  I just really didn’t think he was going to let me down like that, know what I’m saying?  Man, if he hadn’t screwed that up, we’d be singing a different song right now, ya know?”

   This was coming off of the previous night’s crushing victory over the New York New Yorkers during which game the Volcanoes won by a deciding 23 points.  At this go-around, many of the Junctions’ key players were noted as having thanked God and Jesus for everything they did for them and helping them win the game.  In fact, the future of Jesus H. Christ, who was declared last year as the captain of the Junctions, may now no longer be with the team.  We spoke with coach Daemon during the press conference on this issue:

    “You know, Jesus has really been in there for us the past few seasons, and we really thought things were going are way.  When I acquired him three years ago, we knew that we would be able to establish a certain level of chemistry with the players.  I just never expected him to choke at such a critical junction in our franchise.  I have spoken with Coach Clapton of the Heathens and he mentioned interest of making a trade.”

    Inside sources have revealed that the trade that coach Daemon spoke of may have been for Heathens’ star Allah who hasn’t really been there for the team lately.  Our insider claims that Daemon has “met several times with Allah and even given Allah a tour of Junction City.” 

    -Walter Eadie, Otiose Sports.

    Are you too GREEN with envy over other people’s blogs?
    Is your blog in need of an environmental overhaul?
    Are you ready to really DIG IN to some sound advice?
    Forget all those other tips and tricks that so called hot shot bloggers try to sell you about making it big, those gas-guzzlers aren’t going to know what hit them.

    Al Gore recently accepted an invitation I offered him for an interview that I wanted to post on my blog. I admit I have been away for quite some time, but you must understand that arranging the travel and meeting plans with such a figurehead takes time and energy. I finally got the interview that I wanted and I shall post it here for your viewing pleasure.

    ME: Your Green-ness it is a great honor to be able to give this interview, thank you very much!
    Gore: The pleasure is mine.
    ME: I have prepared a list of questions here that I was planning on-
    Gore: What?? What? How could you! Never come to an interview with a list of questions prepared anywhere but in your head! I can’t believe this, you could have completely avoided using that sheet of paper.
    ME: You are absolutely correct sir. Anyways, I meant to ask you a few questions about what you think of online blogging since it has become such a craze in the last few years.
    Gore: Ah yes, online blogging, a very interesting topic. I myself, am actually a very avid online blogger, or rather, I enjoy reading them, they aren’t very practical for me since my steam-powered computer requires that I crank it constantly with my left hand, and typing can become quite inconvenient.
    ME: Well, what are your favorite online blogs?
    Gore: Well, there was this one that I was reading yesterday that was completely devoted to replacing cell phones with carrier pidgins. I thought it was the best idea I have heard in years.
    Me: No doubt…
    Gore: Actually, while we’re on the subject of blogging, do you mind if I share with your readers a few of my tips for more efficient blogging?
    Me: (Oh brother) Go right ahead

Al Gore’s Tips on Eco-Blogging

1) Never, ever, ever, blog at nighttime, or in the early morning hours. I know that nobody ever does this, and that all blogging generally takes place in the daytime anyways, but unless you plan on buying  a large amount of candles, blogging at night wastes way too much electricity on lighting.

2) Theme your blog with a dark colored or black background. Darker colors saves your computer lots of energy and doesn’t force it to display bright images. Plus, it’s easier on your eyes.

3) If your blog sucks, stop blogging! There is no bigger waste of energy in the blogging world than a crappy blog. Blogging takes up a valuable and limited resource called e-space. Much more practical uses could be found for this space, such as blogs about saving whales.

4) Don’t type too fast. Also known as “revving the keyboard” typing too fast is a waste of precious key-gas and can cost you lots of money, plus all the waste products that it emits can be a further contributor to e-warming.

Me: Wait a minute, did you just say e-warming?
Gore: You don’t know about e-warming?

Back when I invented the internet, I didn’t foresee a situation that has become a major problem as of late. Back then, we didn’t know what exactly the internet looked like. Not until researchers at the Bar Ilan University came up with an advanced diagram of the internet. Here, I’ll explain to you what you should be looking for:
 
    As you can see, this diagram largely resembles the earth.  The internet is largely made up of dozens of colored dots.  That’s really all it is.  The more toward the center these colored dots are, the more inclined they are to collide with eachother.  This collision creates friction, and as we all know, friction generates heat.

    Me:  So what would happen if the internet gets too hot?
    Gore:  It would blow up, along with every computer connected to it in the world.  This is why we need to focus on designing more internet-efficient computers, and of course, by blogging more efficiently.
    Me:  But isn’t internet warming just a myth? 
    Gore:  Does this look like a myth to you?

    Gore: We need to be smart about this.
    Me:  Well, thank you Mr. Gore, and thank you readers.  Don’t forget, until next time, good luck with life!
    (Pan out to slowly reveal entire newsroom while Mr. Gore and I continue to look like we are engaged in an important conversation)
    (Roll closing titles and credits)

    Well, it started one day at work while wondering what I would say to a man that came in in a wheel chair with both of his legs amputated (I’m a manager at a shoe store, it gets boring).  But from there, it only exploded into a violent, racist, stereotypical, hate machine of fun that I just had to post.

    Please excuse the crappy art quality:

    Until next time, good luck with life. 

ps.  As I think of more, I will make them.

    So mad I tell you.

    There is nothing that makes me any more pissed off, I mean, red-faced and steaming… then a girl RUINING her body by going thinspo.

    Sure you can say, “well, you are not a girl, you can’t understand” or “it means something special to them”

    WELL FUCK THAT.  There is nothing special or even glamorous for that matter than an otherwise normal girl weighing less than 130 lbs.

    God, are you all just trying out for the cover of National Geographic or what? 

    You want some fucking thinspo?  Go to Cambodia, there’s your fucking thinspo.  People there are literally DYING for more than three bites of dinner every day.

    Girls that choose to go down that path aren’t just being unhealthy.  They are being STUPID.  There is no other word for it other than COMPLETE STUPIDITY.

    Man, that pisses me off so much.

    Okay, I’m done.

    Until next time, good luck with life.

Knife Recall:

    This just in from Owensboro Kentucky that a local knife company has issued a recall of almost every single one of the products that they have been making throughout the past 120 years of their previously successful business.  The Kentucky Knife Kompany issued the recall following the $1.2 billion lawsuit it recently lost.  According to field correspondent Walter Eadie, a certain Timmy Rogers of Houston Texas was recently using one of the KKK’s products when he accidentally stabbed to the death his little brother Kenny Rogers.  Timmy’s parents say that Timmy was merely reenacting a scene from the recent horror blockbuster Friday the 13th when the fatal stabbing took place.  Timmy was cited as saying “How was I to know that the knife would actually kill my brother?”.  Mr. Bradley Rogers, the father of one of the brothers led the trial and split the winning with his neighborhood community:  The Magic Land Trailer Park.  The Otiose Spathe recently got a chance to interview Kenny’s father about the tragedy.

Kenny’s Father

    The Otiose Spathe:  Mr. Rogers, we are very sorry to hear about the tragic accidental death of your son Kenny.
    Bradley Rogers:  Why thank ye kindly.
    OS:  While we of course grieve the loss of your son, do you not believe that $1.2 billion may be a bit excessive?
    BR:  Well, I’m not quite sure what that word there means, but if you’re askin’ why we asked fer so much money, I’ll tell it ain’t cuz we needed it.  As you can see, my [wife] and I are pretty well off.
    OS:  Um… yes, well, what we are saying is, does it not seem strange to say that you weren’t of the belief that the Kentucky Knife Kompany’s products weren’t potentially dangerous?
    BR:  Potato-y what?  No, I didn’t potantitualy know that my son would be capable of using them there knives to kill my other… uh… sorta son.  I mean, don’t you think that big fancy companies like that should put warnin’s on their produce?
    OS:  Actually, I have here a package containing the KKK’s Fiery Cross Cleaver which I do believe was the same product that killed your son, am I correct?
    BR:  Yeah, that there’s the beast that killed Kelly… er… Kenny.
    OS:  Well, on this packaging as a warning label that clearly indicates that the contents are not a toy and should be kept out of reach of children.
    BR:  Well, you see, that there’ll be the problem!  You got all these big fancy organizations, like the KKK who profile against my people.  Expecting us to be able to read and such just isn’t fair.  For hundreds of years we have been put down by society and I say that it is very soon to be time that we can be accepted.
    OS:  I see…

    To counter to this somewhat extreme accusation set forth by Mr. Rogers and his neighborhood.  The Otiose Spathe was able to get a hold of LaShonda McRenolds.  The CEO of Kentucky Knife Kompany.

KKK CEO

    OS:  Good afternoon Mrs. McRenolds.
    LaShonda McRenolds:  Yes, good afternoon.
    OS:  What do you have to say in response to Mr. Rogers’ prejudicial claim.
    LM:  The claims are obviously outrageous.  In our society in which according to the CIA’s World Factbook, over 99% of us our literate, it is a safe assumption that our products won’t get into the wrong hands with carefully marked packaging to guide them. 
    OS:  Mrs.  McRenolds, are you admitting to not catering to the minorities?
    LM:  Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood is simply being impractical.  Maybe we should start putting labels on bottled water with pictures of people drowning?  Common sense is common sense.
    OS:  So you see your company making no strides in the future to accommodate for this demographic bracket?
    LM:  The KKK will stand where it has always stood for the past 120 years, even if it means riding a sinking ship destroyed by a tiny iceberg of social unacceptance.  This fight is not over.

    It should be noted that though this recall and preceding lawsuit has caused an enormous cutback within the company, the KKK will not be shutting down for good.  One particular Owensboro plant will remain open to continue its production of plastic serving spoons.

-OS

until next time, good luck with life.

     Ever since you first learned how to trace over letters in kindergarten writing class… er…
    Ever since you first started spelling your name by yourself… er…
    Ever since you learned what a sentence was… er…
    Ever since you wrote your first essay… yeah your first essay, you probably have been told some almost-smart sounding horse feces like “write with your target audience in mind.”  While this degree of brainwashing may not be deliberate (seeing as how for all your teachers knew, they were helping to “guide you on the path of success”), it certainly has some extremely negative drawbacks on developing any level of creative growth or individuality.  Every single time that you feel the need to rewrite or censor something because you don’t feel that it would keep in line with your alleged “target audience”, your piece loses that much creative spirit and uniqueness.
    When I first started writing on Xanga, I didn’t have any audiences whatsoever.  Much less one with some degree of metaphorical bulls-eye painted across their chests that I was somehow supposed to land a direct hit on with what I am presuming to be “loaded” words (har, har).  No, I simply wrote, and didn’t give a damn about who was reading it.  Eventually, some poor souls inadvertently happened upon my site and it began to attract a mild degree of attention, and even got featured a couple of times.  I feel, however, that more often than not, the simple fact that my degree of inconsistency so closely resembles that of the bald spots on your Uncle’s receding hairline sharply throttles the amount of frequent viewers that I would attract.  The remaining readership (I refrain from using the word fanbase on anything Xanga related due to the sheer ludicrousy of the notion) is even still hardly at par with every single entry I make.  If I honestly wrote for any one particular group of readers, I think that my muse would have such a drop in self-esteem that it’d be likely to catch the last train for the cost on the day that the music died.  But I digress… actually, no I don’t.  Hey audience, here is my middle finger.  Allow it to be my pledge to you that I will never conform to your expectations because how could you really even have any expectations in the first place if you hadn’t been exposed to something new to begin with. 

(too soon?)

    The only target audience that you need to keep in mind, is your own self.  Say what you want to hear yourself saying.  If it is interesting or exciting to you, there has to be at least ONE other person out there that will also align to your views (trust me, you are not that special).  That is unless you are this guy…

    Until next time, good luck with life.

    Days since last day off:  17
    Days since last went to gym:  0
    Days since last ignorant customer:  0
    Days this year that life’s been good to me:  37

    P.S.  I submitted this post for featured, because I haven’t done so in a very long time.  Interestingly enough, their new submission system states (and I quote) “If you’re submitting your own, add a question at the end of the post directed towards the general audience.”  In short… I’LL BE DAMNED.  My question toward the general audiance… Will you be too?

Why the hell would I want to go to your site then?

    Maybe I missed my mark in the last post I did, but I was attempting to indicate that there really is NO SUCH THING AS AN OFFENSIVE WORD.  Only offensive meanings. 

    Words are only offensive because we put meaning behind them.

    The word fuck, for example, is an extremely degrading word when used as an explicitive.  The fact of the matter is, the word fudge is absolutely no different.

    If I say “Oh fudge” instead of “Oh fuck” in an attempt to offend less people, the point is actually quite moot, because my MEANINGS AND INTENTIONS behind the word didn’t change at all.

    Blah

    What is the most striking thing about our current president over the past few?
    If your answer was that he is black, than you lose.

    Many people have dubbed me a racist individual due to the admittedly controversial stuff I have said (and will say) on this site numerous times.  Regardless of the fact that I was saying these things to make a point, it rings true that I was in fact saying them, and that they were in fact said.  The previous statement was not as redundant as it at first sounds.  Yes, I said racist things to make a point, not to offend people, but if people were in fact offended, than the things that I said were quite literally offensive.  Do I now regret having said them?  No.  I don’t regret having said them for the very reason that I said them in the first place.  The fact that racist comments are offensive is entirely and completely because the people who are offended by them, choose so to be.  Allow me to provide an example.

   Apple.

    Chances are very slim (unless you are like me and really fucking hate all of a certain company’s products) that the above word offended you, and if it did, you need to get a life.  This is because you didn’t allow that word to represent something that caused you offense.

    Bitch.

    This word may or may not have offended you.  In fact, this word does have two meanings, and if taken lightly, you can look around the offense at the true meaning of the word and thereby not allow yourself to be offended.

    Nigger.

    Now we come to the word that has probably been on the tip of your tongue since this entry began.  The fact that there is almost no friendly association that we can match this word to immediately sets off a red flag within us that causes us to choose to be offended by this word. 

    Each of those three words are equally offensive if one or more people were offended by either of them.  If one strange fellow was offended by the word apple, it makes it (by definition) no less offensive than the word nigger, no matter how many people it offends. 

    There is more to my direction here, however.  The main reason that I chose to blog today was to stress something.  If you are really against racial profiling, if you are truly attempting to end racism once and for all, you can’t even so much as acknowledge its existence.  Sure, people who disagree with me will argue that you must be aware of a situation in order to fight it, and “ignoring the problem is not the solution” but syntax suggests quite the contrary.  What exactly does racism mean?  Racism is when somebody is discriminating between races, is this correct?  Well, what does discriminating mean?  Last I checked, it has to do with associating individual characteristics between to objects.  In other words, by so much as admitting that there is such thing as different races, makes you by the books, racist.

    To wrap this whole thing back around to my introit, it is to say that anybody who says “our country has taken a great step forward in eliminating racism by electing the first black president” is not only being racist themselves, but is being extraordinarily contradictory. 

    P.S.  When trying to speak out for civil rights, please, please, please do so in a manner that doesn’t make you look like a complete fucking moron:
 

    Until next time, good luck with life.

    Days since last day off:  16
    Days since last went to gym:  2
    Days since last ignorant customer:  0
    Days this year that life’s been good to me:  36