I would try to fail.

    No joke, I seriously robbed that place.  Apparently, I am a pro.  They never even noticed.  Truth be told though, it wasn’t very difficult… all I had to do was plan it out properly.

      1)  Have the right vehicle.  It’s all about arriving in stealth and style (as ever good super-theif knows).

        I pulled up in my slammin ride without the workers inside the bank even rasing a single suspicion.  The first step in acheiving the element of surprise is acheiving the element of surprise.

    2)  Act like you have serious business there.

        When I arrived, I walked in, through the front door.  Everybody knows that dropping in through windows in the ceiling is a little too suspicious.  Then I went straight up to the teller at CitiBank and told her that I was there to make a payment on my credit card.  A PERFECTLY NORMAL TRANSACTION RIGHT?

    3)  Make your move.

        Upon completing my transaction, I already had managed to take from them what I had come for.  RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEIR EYES.  I had played my distraction wisely and they never even noticed they were being robbed.

    4)  Make a clean gettaway. 

        I left the same way I came, and nobody was any the wiser.

    So in the end, I payed $100 dollars on my credit card… and walked out with… THEIR PEN!!!!!!  Ah, nothing is sweeter than robbing Peter while paying Paul.  Besides, aren’t bank pens worth like 10 cents each?
    In other words, this entire post’s purpose is basically just to tell you that I am very happy to have saved money on my credit card bill.  It’s like an istant rebate of 1/1000 of the price!

    Until next time, good luck with life.

TODAY iS MY BURFDAY 

    On the leading edge.

    Fact.

    Fiction.

    Apple Pie.

    It all started when we found out she was pregnant.  At least, that’s what the tests showed.  The unmistakable “+” sign.  It’s funny how people always cry over the results of that test.  Just get a tissue box before you even start for crying out loud.  Whether they are hoping for positive or negative, if they don’t get what they are looking for, they cry.  If they do get what they are looking for, they still cry.  Anyways, it started with that test, and she started crying.  We didn’t know what we would do.  That night, I started drinking.  I drank a lot.  Quite an expensive habit really, it kinda gives you a new appreciation for drunkards because if they are always drunk, that at least means they always have the money to get drunk.  I don’t know, it was just a thought, you think a lot when life comes at you fast.
    The next day at work was hell and a half.  Everything was wrong, nothing was right.  Customers were yelling, honking, and of course, complaining.  I was prepared for that, I have to be.  What I wasn’t prepared for was when a brick came in through the window.  I would have to say that that was indeed startling.  I signaled the silent alarm and the police where there in minutes.  The perpetrator got taken away, and I got fired.  Fired for letting the situation get so bad in the first place to have caused such panic.  See, managers are like corporate’s little whipping boys.  My crew runs a pretty tight shift, they know what they are supposed to do, and they put some level of pride into their work.  I only occasionally have to nudge them in the right direction.  I may as well not even be there, I spend half of my time taking up payroll, sitting in a chair pushing pencils and going over time-sheets.  The only reason corporate hires managers is so they have a finger to point at when something goes wrong.  They like to have somebody to blame so that when there is a problem that comes up, they can just fire the manager and say that they fixed it.  I got fired, they fixed it.  I don’t know, it was just a thought.  You do a lot of thinking when life comes at you fast.
    When I came home and told her about what happened, she was completely pissed.  I don’t know why she blew it out of proportion, sure I was making more money than her before I got fired, sure we needed the money for whatever we were going to do about the upcoming baby, but since when is money so important anyways?  I looked for something, anything to help me find warmth in the cold.  That’s how I got introduced to the heroin.  The smack was the warmth I was looking for.  I didn’t need the high, and the alcohol just became a necessity as opposed to a comfort, I needed the warmth.  The pain of actually shooting the stuff up becomes a trifle when compared with the incredible feeling of its effects.  Of course, it didn’t take long at all (only a few days) before I was completely out of money.  Isn’t it weird how everybody always talks about the evil of money?  The most ironic thing to me about money, is we have to use the same stuff as tender whether we are at a Christian bookstore, or a porn shop.  Hah!  Money…. eh, it was just a thought.  You do a lot of thinking when life comes out you this fast.
    We had our first appointment at the hospital.  They did the tests, and I almost died right there.  It wasn’t just one baby.  It wasn’t twins.  We were having triplets.  I couldn’t contain my excitement.  I started shouting and screaming at the nurse.  I called her a liar.  I called her a manipulator.  I hated her, I was scared of her, I felt sorry for her.  What had happened to my perfectly on track life?  How does something derail such a heavy train on such a sure course?  HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSSED TO TELL MY PARENTS????  I went home that night and didn’t sleep.  I don’t mean I lay in bed and couldn’t get to sleep, I mean that I didn’t even try.  I sat up using the last of my stash, mixed with the alcohol, and just completely passed out.  I don’t call that sleeping, because I when I woke up, I was still just as tired as I was before.  It really makes me wonder what my body was doing all that time to still require energy and not allow me any rest.  Was my subconscious mind just thinking too hard?  Or, in my drugged up state, did my passed out body decide to get up and run a marathon and just leave my mind behind, there crumpled on the floor.  I really doubt that, but it was just a thought.  You think a lot when life comes at you fast.
   

    Man, dreams like this sure are crazy huh?  I wonder where all the inspiration and creativity therein comes from?  Psh, it’s just a thought.

    Until next time, good luck with

    Okay, I admit, I wasn’t really alive much in the 80′s, but I sure wish I was, perhaps 10 years older.  The reason I say this, is because I miss the action movies.  Sure, we have “action movies” these days, but they are so over-blown with the use of CGI special effects, that the action stars these days deffinitely aren’t what they used to be.  In the 80′s we had the Mount Rushmore of action heroes.  Willis, Stalone, Schwarzenegger, and Gibson, just to name a few.  They weren’t just action icons, they were gods.  They were men’s men.  When guys talked about manliness, these guys were the names that came up.  Lately though, the modern batch of action heroes seems a little watered down.  Spiderman’s Tobey Maguire?  He looks like the kid I would steal luch money from at school.  Orlando Bloom?  Please, I lost all faith is his wussy butt the momment he crouched under his brother’s leg in Troy.  Clive Owen knows how to play the badass, and there is serious acting talent to be found in Christian Bale, but other than that, mainstream action is turning into less do and more talk.  Back then, movies weren’t about how McClane was going to handle the emotional burden of being the city’s protector… it was about how much ass he was going to kick.

    Second to last letter-of-the-day.
    Okay, my letter of the day series has been anything but, considering I started this something like four months ago and there are only 26 letters, you can guess that I have skipped a couple of days.  This doesn’t change the fact that we are finally to Y.  Meaning, there is only one more letter to go.  (Although I have heard rumors that the studio has approved a second season).  The word I have chosen for you to be introduced to today is yapness.  Being that Y is a strange letter, and there are all sorts of strange words that I could have chosen to tell you about.  I ultimately chose the word yapness on account of its simple meaning.  Yapnes is just another word for hunger.  So the next time you are at McDonalds, be sure to let them know that it was the pursuit of a suitable cure for yapness that ultimately brought you there.

By the way, my final letter of the day will indeed be epic (and take up an entire post)

    Until next time, good luck with life.

okay, before 10:00 today…

it’s coming.

    First of all, I would like to start this post off by saying that I am pretty sure that I am the first xangan to use the word “xombie” and thereby I officially claim it.

    So here I sit, at 1:30 in the morning.  I am tired as hell, and I am upset that I haven’t been spending much time here on xanga (or the computer in general) at all lately.  The reason being of course is that I work hard, I work long, and I work late, and there’s not much I can do about it, but I am nonetheless fascinated by something I have recently discovered.  The Xombie effect.

    No matter how tired I am, totally vegged out in my chair, late, late at night, there will always be one more page I have to see.  When I am in this state, I rarely leave comments.  I peruse page after page reading the articles and simply not commenting.  This isn’t because I couldn’t think of anything to say.  It’s not because I was too lazy to comment.  It is simply because I have been Xombified.  I am utterly left to rot in the zoned out condition in which all I can do is stare at the screen utilizing the worst possible posture and read about random pieces of information.
    Now I guess, more than ever, I have realized humanity’s disastrous eventuality:  the internet.  We have thus created our own doom.  More and more things are becoming completely available to us via the internet.  We can literally live without ever having to leave our chairs.  We can order groceries online.  We can pay bills online.  We can bank online.  We can work online.  We can sell old items online.  We can entertain ourselves online.  We can even have sex online.  The only thing our computers can’t do for us anymore is feed us.  So with all of this convenient availability, we have we not completely reached this stage of existence yet?
    Perhaps it has something to do with the human willpower.  Perhaps we have watched The Matrix too many times, or something deep down inside our subconscious tells us that it is just not right to spend hours wasted away in front of the boob tube.  Is there hope then still for us mortals?  Not likely, every year it seems more and more steps are made in technological “advances” that are merely advancing our journey toward complete vegetation.  There will always be those above the influence of course, and I find it very unlikely that everybody will give in to this style of living.
    But when it all boils down to it, what is the point to NOT live this way?  Why not sit back and let our computers facilitate our every movement.  Lives becomes easier, more simplistic, and more organized.  Whatever the reason is, I will keep a weather-eye on how long it lasts.  Will I see a point within my life time when somebody “living on the computer” no longer becomes figurative but truly quite literal.  That is damn scary.

    Until next time, good luck with life.

    In considering what to write about in today’s post, I thought to myself “okay, I need a relevant topic to discuss and entertain with my readers.”  I searched and searched for something that has occurred recently that has totally shaped the world, or my life, or your life, or involved a celebrity getting out of a limo without wearing panties.  Despite my best efforts through CNN, Yahoo, and Playboy.com, I found nothing that I could write with any degree of intelligence whilst maintaining some form of comedic property.  Then it donned on me… THIS IS MY FREAKIN’ BLOG, IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE RELEVANT.  So without further ado, I give you:

   EADIE’S DEFENSIVE DRIVING COURSE

   Please Note: This course has not yet been approved by DPS standards in the following states:
Alabama, Arizona, Alaska, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oregon, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming.
    If this inconveniences you, than the Eadie’s Defensive Driving Institution offers no condolences or apologies.

   Moving right along…

    Speeding:
    Ok, speeding is a very important topic in any defensive driving course.  Speeding is a dangerous, yet efficient method of moving from one destination to another.  Most importantly, speeding is NEVER excusable (exceptions to this rule include: if you are running late, if you have to get to a baseball game in time for the tailgate party, if you really want to go fast, if you have a hot chick in the car yelling “faster!”, if you have two hot chicks in the car yelling “faster!”, if you are street racing, or if you are testing your engine).  Unless you fall into one of the previous exceptions, you should NEVER speed.  In order to pass this section of Eadie’s Defensive Driving Course, one must learn how to speed PROPERLY.

   1:  Always adjust all mirrors prior to speeding to ensure maximum visibility.
   2:  Check for cops ever 5 seconds.
   3:  Buckle Up! (safety first… er… third)
   4:  Depress clutch and start engine.
   5:  Rapidly slam the car in gear whilst releasing clutch and flooring gas pedal.
   6:  Get into 5th gear within 10 seconds of starting the car.
   7:  Speed.
   *Bonus points may be scored by colliding with roadside distractions such as skateboarders, clowns, and soccer moms with vans full of spoiled brats.

    Traffic Signals/Right of Way:
    Right of way violations are very common.  Oftentimes people do not follow the basic rules of yielding to traffic and this is how most collisions are caused.  Smart drivers can avoid collisions by following the simple rules of Right of Way:

   >  Cars that are clearly more powerful and could easily crush smaller cars always have the right of way.
   >  If your car would better serve as a canvas for a starving artist, you must yield to cars with badass paint jobs or body kits.
   >  If two cars of equal importance are in question of right of way, than a contest of “chicken” must be carried out from which the victor will receive R.O.W. privileges.
   >  Minivans always go last.

    For your convenience, traffic signals are often placed by the local Department of Transportation in an attempt to suggest at who may have the right of way.  Understand however, that these are merely suggestions and are not always correct.  If you are in a gas guzzling Hummer and a Honda Oddessy seems to have the green light, feel free impose the proper law all over it’s wussy shell.

    Vehicle Upkeep/Inspection/Registration:
    These are among the most annoying things drivers have to worry about.  Everybody knows that the only purpose of vehicle registration is to milk a little bit more money out of it’s dedicated taxpayers who are driving on roads that they have already paid for.  Nonetheless, go ahead and humor them and get your vehicle registered regularly.
    As far as upkeep and inspections… just don’t drive around in this P.O.S.

     Parking Violations:
    Parking rules are determined in a similar manner to R.O.W. rules.  Basically, the niftier/more expensive car should naturally be allotted more space.

    METHOD A:

   Method A may be implemented if your car is something nice and wicked like a Farrari, or Porche, or any generally accepted “expensive ass car” or ANY CAR (other than a minivan) appropriately tricked out.  Please note the location of traffic cones that you must place as indicated by the orange dots.  This is so that other cars will respect your space and back the hell away.

    METHOD B:

    Method B must be used by any other average or trashy considered car, then you must park in a fashion very similar to these complacent losers.  Note how the distinguishably between these cars resides only in color.  If you are a member of the “my car looks like everyone else’s car club” than you must park this way.

    D.W.I.:

   Driving while intoxicated is also a very common violation that many people receive.  This (like speeding) is usually because people don’t know how to do it.  For assistance, I am going to use an actual image taken from an actual defensive driving course to explain how to properly drink and drive:

    As this picture accurately indicates, when you are drinking and driving please ensure that your car actually has a roof.  In addition to that, you must actually grip the bottle instead of simply allowing it to hover above your amputated hand.  Also, this procedure is always best done with the top of your head firmly attached to your jaw.  Drinking and driving is serious business people, and if you ever drink and drive the wrong way you are putting your life and the lives of countless others at risk.

    Alright, that is the end of Eadie’s Defensive Driving Course.  I hope that you are now better educated about vehicle safety.  Hopefully you will never actually have to be on the defensive side of driving because as everybody knows, a good offense is the best defense.  If you keep the attack on the other drivers on the road, than you won’t have to worry about ever actually needing to use defensive driving.

    Until next time, good luck with life.

p.p.s. This is my second reference publication, to see my first reference publication click here: Eadie’s Handy Voting Primer