oh, and something about breast cancer is bad…

    There is a swarm, an infestation if you will that is beginning to sweep the great plains of Texas.  As many of you may or may not know, Lance Armstrong, winner of seven straight Tour De France’s and one of the greatest cyclists of all time, is actually from San Antonio, Texas, the city where I now live.  This is not a surprise to me now that I live here.  I would never have imagined that one of the “fattest” cities in the United States would also house so many of these damned cyclists.  Interestingly enough, until now, I always thought cyclists were really cool and I had a silly childish dream of wanting to be one.
    Apparently cyclists screw like rabbits down here.
    On any given moment down the street on which I live (Scenic Loop, because it’s scenic, and it’s not a loop) you will be able to find easily at least 20 cyclists cruising along.  I’m not just talking about people on bicycles here.  I’m talking about full-blown, tight shorted, iron legged, mean faced, pedal to the medal cyclists dripping with a salty combination of sweat and nasty demeanor.  These seemingly innocent athletes are among the most ruthless road hogs I have ever come across.
   
    > First of all, even the fastest of cyclers can’t really exceed more than 15-20 mph.  This means that on a road where the speed limit is 40 mph, there are going less than half of the normal speed limit.

    > Secondly, they ride with the traffic (which for safety reasons I was always told not to do) but this means that whilst they are jamming on their little Zunes and iPods to whatever the hell motivates their noncomplying asses, they don’t know you are coming, so they proceed to take up the very middle of the road.

    > Thirdly, even when they know you are there, they seem to treat themselves like some kind of Godsend.  They act like it is more important for all 170 lbs of them to be on the road rather than your 4,000 lb car capable of righteously crushing their intolerant bones to dust.

    > Fourthly, because that’s a word, the road is winding and full of blinds spots, meaning you can’t switch into the oncoming lane and get around them, and what’s worse, is THEY KNOW THIS.

    > Lastly, when you finally pull around these buggers and begin honking and flipping them off, all they do is laugh at you as if you are so pathetic for driving an automobile.  I mean, it’s not my fault I would rather tear the shit out of the ozone layer instead of bike everywhere I go. 

    So, I of course have prepared a special guide for how to kill cyclists in case you ever need a hand in removing these pests:

    STEP 1:  RUN THEM THE FUCK OVER

    STEP 2:  That’s it.

    Until next time, good luck with life.

    WARNING:  I am about to possibly offend emos and/or homosexuals in this post, if you fit into one of those categories, I would apologize, but that’s not how I run things here, don’t worry, I have maid fun of just about every social group possible so far on this blog, and if I haven’t I’m still getting to it.  (Except for heterosexual whites, because as we all know, that is the perfect specimen of humanity.  Haha, “jk” as they say on them interwebs)

    People are so picky when it comes to what they read.  While doing my usual brainstorming session in regards to what to blog about today whilst making fresh tasting salads at the Sonic where I am about to be manager, I overheard a conversation up front going on between the girls and homosexuals (because at my sonic only girls and homosexuals seem to be allowed to work carhop/fountain, no joke).  They were asking where the best place was for emos to go if they wanted to find a black and white tie.  I thought in my head, DUH, Hot Topic or Spencer’s are there any other places emos actually go?  That’s when the lightening stuck, what an excellent post, emos are always so fun to make fun of.  Who else wears their pants so tight you can use them to form a perfect jello mold of their crotches (other than Richard Simmons)?  Sadly enough, emos were cool to make fun of like, five years ago.  Nowadays the hot topic is scientology, armageddon, and who the first woman to have a scandal with Obama will be (the world is waiting).  This got me wondering, I wonder if it can be possible to take old news that everyone has heard beat into the ground and make it entertaining enough to be worth a read?  Well, fortunately for me, I didn’t title this post “emos suck” so you actually didn’t know it was going to be about emos until you actually started reading the post, therefor I’ve already suckered you in this far so I might as well run with it, no?  Hey, what’s that?  I see you skipping to the letter of the day section.  Whatever.

    Emos are funny

    Okay, actually, in truth they don’t really get the proper respect that they deserve.  Everyone makes fun of emos for hating themselves, and their lives, and the world, and those around them, and the light, and decent clothing, and good hairstyles, and food other than tacos.  The fact of the matter is, that they have a lot of stuff right about their lives.  Emos actually do deserve to think their lives suck.  Why do I say this?  Simple, they MAKE their lives suck.
    Seriously, if I actually found a way to remove my soul from my body, I’d actually complain about my life too.  They kill their parents.  They carve their arms.  They ponder the “reality” of EVERYTHING.  They are so busy nonconforming with each other that they don’t have time for “real friends”.  Their sister thinks they dress funny.  Yeah, that’s a lame life indeed.  I couldn’t imagine waking up every day, squeezing my balls together just by putting pants on, spending $20 on hair spray a day, and through it all, making sure I don’t wash my clothes too much so that they don’t fade.
    Moreover, emos are very important for society.  You see, ever since the caste system was removed from America in 1865, Americans have searched for ways to not just be better than other countries, but be better than themselves.  Thus, in the 21st century, a new caste system was born.  It had a new untouchable, the emo.  Finally America was complete again.  Therefor, we have emos to thank for bringing back what every true-blooded American longs for most, the chance to look somebody in the eye and say “I am better than you.”

    Thank you emos.  You are justified in your suffering, and you saved America from establishing something like Mexicans as the lowest chain on the caste system.

    ______________________________________

    Letter of the day.  Expanding your vocabulary one letter at a time brings us to V.  It is important to note that V is not for Vendetta.  Instead today, I bring you vaticinate, actually, unlike many of my words, this is one that you actually CAN use more often than not.  Vaticinate means to prophesy or predict.  Many of you have come across drakonskyr on here, who has established himself as the internet’s most brilliant and therefor useless prophet, so obviously he has been known to vaticinate on a regular basis.  So, perhaps you should do him a favor and impress him with your lexicology at the same time by going to his site and thanking him for vaticinating on a regular basis.  Or don’t, and just stay here on my site and leave me some comments and recommends.  Yeah, that’d be cool too.

    Until next time, good luck with life.

ps.  I didn’t realize it, but I actually looked back and checked, and I have been saying “until next time, good luck with life” ever since my very first post on xanga 2 1/2 years ago. 

pps.  There is no spoon.
 

    By now, you have probably figured out that I like to ride the fence on issues that I don’t feel too strongly about.  So feel free to formulate your opinions regarding the direction of the bias in this post, but understand that it was written without the intent of any (although I’m not saying I don’t have a prefabricated opinion).  I intend to make fun of both sides equally.

    The issue:  Intelligence as consequentially defined by Darwin.

    I put it this way because Darwin never directly attempted to create a definition of intelligence.  He formulated that only the strongest and smartest would survive, but at the same time, he perhaps unknowingly created the most applicable definition of intelligence that we have.  Basically, in that intelligence is defined relative to a particular point in time, meaning what used to be intelligent would not pass for such now.  For example, whoever first invented the wheel way back when wouldn’t amount to more than a 3 year old by today’s standards.  When those around you start to get smarter, you sure as hell better keep up, or you may find yourself on the defining edge of stupidity.  Perhaps this puts an unfair advantage on those who are not as smart as us in that they were simply born at the wrong time.  Perhaps if they were born back before higher thinking, open-minded analytical concepts began to be the favored topic of the wiser of us than they would be in much better shape.
    But with this comes everyone’s favorite debate subject: creation versus evolution.

    Intelligent Design (Creationism)

    So, your supreme being of choice created us and the world (within a week) about six thousand years ago.  Science is all well and good unless it deals with evolution or dating things back more than six thousand years ago, in which case it is bullshit.  According to most who believe in this method, people actually don’t live as long now as they used to.  Old testament stories speak of men living hundreds of years and developing infinite wisdom over this time.  Interesting that they could be alive for so long and seem to accomplish so little.  Interestingly enough, this is the more appealing of the two theories, because nobody really wants to believe that we came from monkeys, that and there was this book called the Bible that has maintained pretty stable popularity throughout the years and has established certain credibility that contains a lot of facts in it about the creation of mankind.

    Evolution (Darwinism/Selectionism)

    This is the survival of the fittest theory.  Basically, if you are better and smarter and buffer than those around you, you are more likely not only to find a successful mate to reproduce with, but you are more likely to survive long enough to find said mate.  The aforementioned method of development seems to help largely with the definition of intelligence whereas people continue to get smarter, the dumb ones simply don’t make it.  The problem is, I still haven’t seen any missing links yet.

This post was short and lame, so please don’t recommend it, I don’t want people to think I always suck.  I’m tired.  I want to go to sleep.  No letter of the day for you today.

    Until next time, good luck with life.

JESUS CAMP

    I saw the DVD case for Jesus Camp lying in the car today and thought it was some silly movie for religious fanatics.  My fiance had bought it and she said she was really looking forward to watching it.  I asked her what it was about, and when she realized I had never heard of it, she looked quite shocked and then took me to the computer to show me a trailer for it.  The trailer merely intrigued me to the point of allowing myself to watch it with her.  Damn, I was in for a shock.
    The movie is a documentary, not a promotional video like I had originally thought.  It focuses on evangelistics.  For those of you who are slightly unfamiliar with the tactics of evagelistics, I like to think of them as Christianity’s little Taliban.  I think it is pretty safe to say that I don’t have any evangelistics who read my blog on a regular basis, because it wouldn’t take long for them to decide that my soul was going to rot in the darkest corners of hell.  Evangelistics are a growing number of religious zealots who go to outrageous extremes to spread their faith.  Sure, many of you may tell me that the manner in which a person chooses to spread their faith is their prerogative and under normal conditions cannot be held against them.  But we are talking about brainwashing here.
    The two main kids who the documentary is centered around are shown entering an evangelistic camp called “Kids on Fire”.  KIDS.  ON.  FIRE.  This camp is where motivated youth from around the world go to have all that was left of their open minds systematically sucked out of them.  The critics call this process “riveting”, “provocative”, or “inspiring”.  I call it scary as hell.
    The first thing the children of this camp are told is that they are hypocritical fakers, every last one of them.  They are told that they are all failures and that none of them are suitable to become members of God’s army.  After five minutes of footage of hundreds of kids crying their hearts out and begging to be made acceptable (or just having an knee-jerk response to their fright) the woman in charge of the camp then tells them about how filthy and rotten the world is and about what they can do to change it.  Other footage shows kids literally being made to worship icons of president Bush and glorify him as a holy man and a religious hero, act out scenes wearing camouflage paint covering their faces, and stand in front of government buildings with the creepiest pro-life propaganda I have ever seen.
    Then it gets strange.
    The kids are told about the muslim extremists who are suicide bombers and how their children are taught at an early age about the “glory” of giving up their life for God.  The children are then instructed to be just as willing to die for their faith.  The woman then asks this large group of kids if they are willing to give up their lives for God right now and they all gleefully raise up their hands while their parents sit next to them smiling joyfully.

    I have no problem with God or Jesus or any of that stuff.  But when we are seeing Hitler Youth version 2.0 things start to get hairy.

    Edit: 
    Here are is the official trailer.

    and here is one scene from movie:

    __________________________________

    I guess it’s “letter of the day” time.

    Wow, we’re to U already.  Getting close to the end of the alphabet I suppose, then I’ll have to start over with new words.  Anyway, today’s word is unstercorated.  This may be one of the most important words you will ever learn from me, and as such you should choose to add it to your daily vocabulary immediately.  Unstercorated is an easier way of saying “not manured”.  Daily uses could include:  “I’m so glad that my milk is unstercorated.”  or “Make sure that you unstercorate your room before I take you to Chuck E. Cheese’s.”

    Until next time, good luck with life.

    Before you jump to conclusions, this is not just another meta-blogging post about xanga, I am simply using xanga as a grounds to demonstrate a growing lack of professional courtesy.

    Okay, so there’s a whole lot of crap going around saying “oh, xanga sucks because…” or “xanga is lame because…” and I feel the need to put one or both of my feet down somewhere (preferably on the floor).  Of course the xanga team wants your constructive criticism, but let’s keep in mind who is who here. 

    First of all, none of us made xanga, the xanga team did (or at least some of its members).  Xanga is a business product that the company “sells” to advertisers and paying members, and is generous enough to offer freely for anybody else who chooses.  As such, the xanga team can do with it as it wants.  They can post whatever featured questions they find inspiring, they can feature whoever they want, they can add or remove whatever content they want, they can have as many spinoff sites as they want, and they can say whatever they want about it.  They put a lot of time and hard work into their jobs, and the fact that you are still on this website, using its service, means that it is working to some degree.  There will ALWAYS be things that can make xanga better, but there are tactful ways to present suggestions.  Remember, these are like artists who have created a masterpiece, straight up bashing is only rude.

    For example, one very common type of request is this.

    “OMG, it is SO unfair that I don’t have any badges.  Just because I only get on this site once a week and I don’t want to pay for it shouldn’t mean that I can’t get badges!  INO INO, there should totally be a badge for people with blonde hair!”

    Okay, so that wasn’t a direct quote, but you get the drift.  Point in case, people are getting a little TOO excited about these badges.  The badges are another one of the xanga teams way of thanking its most active and xanga-economically supportive users.  Sure, other badges such as one for people who have been featured, or people with over a thousand subscribers would still have similar aspirations as the currently available badges, there is a point where people take the badge thing too far.  Unfortunately, there will never be badges for people who have hand-drawn pencil backgrounds or whose last names start and end with the same letter. 

    Allow me to present to you a more proper way of suggesting a new feature on xanga.  Of course, through this example, I actually am suggesting a new feature.

    Dear Xanga Team,

    The idea recently came to me that my xanga experience could be improved by the addition of a personal search bar within my own site.  This search bar would allow me to search for topics or words I used within my own xanga blogs without having to search all of xanga or the internet.  I am sure that I would possibly use this feature close to every day.  If I wanted to find my old post about my fake defensive driving course, I would just have to type “defensive driving” into my personal search box and I would be able to get results from my site only.  From my basic understanding of programming languages, I would guess that creating such a feature would not be difficult and would further streamline the xanga process.  This search bar would be able to have public access so that anybody who came to my site and wanted to see if I ever had a post about Brett Favre would just have to type the words in and find their results.  Likewise, I could go to other sites such as Theblackspiderman and type in the word “xangsta” and be able to find his post about the xangstas movement with relative ease.  I just thought this would be a helpful suggestion for you all to consider.

    -Eadie

    Notice that I never degraded xanga in any way, and that I basically tried to present the idea like a sales pitch.  I suggested that the feature could improve the use of xanga (which is always good for business).  I indicated how useful the feature could be.  I gave different examples of various forms of the feature’s use.  I also mentioned what I believed to be the lack of difficulty involved in creating this feature (which could just go up on the xanga header next to the xanga search bar).  All of these suggestions would aid the xanga team in evaluating the cost efficiency of a potential addition.  If we could see more constructive ideas like this and less whining and complaining, xanga could be smoothed out and streamlined into the ultimate blogging experience in no time flat.

    Until next time, good luck with life.

    San Antonio, Texas:  As was reported earlier this week, the Texas Department of State Health Services (DSHS) released a “precautionary” statewide recall of uncooked tomato products that included salad and Roma tomatoes.  Most restaurants and fast food locations stopped serving uncooked tomatoes on their menu, and since then, the BLT has gone completely out of style in the state.  The initial reasoning given for this  massive recall (that is expected to leak over into states such as Arizona and New Mexico) is that there was a good chance that tomatoes could potentially be the source of an outbreak of the Saintpaul strain of the Salmonella bacteria.  The Otiose Spathe however has chosen to delve a little bit deeper and has discovered the more accurate reason for the recall, illegal immigration.
    Why is illegal immigration the answer to the problem?  It’s quite simple, according to our vast research here at the OS, we have discovered that immigration is somehow linked to every major governmental and economical problem in the volatile border-state.  Everything from schools having a decrease in overall exam scores, to the declining job market, illegals somehow seem to be involved, taking up our jobs and flooding up our schools.  So how are they the reason for the tomato recall?  That’s where our secret agent Walter Eadie’s stealthy investigations came in handy. 
    According to Eadie, the DSHS is actually fair teaming with mexican employees.  Obviously all of them are American citizens in order to be employed at such a high-level government  position, but it is the backhanded deals that are going on that are truly scary.  Eadie’s account of the tomato conspiracy will shock you into a new reality that will perhaps make you realize we need to start looking at those around us with slightly more distrust and suspicion.
      As it turns out, massive deals between not just the DSHS, but many tomato farms and shipping companies everywhere are being made with officials in Mexico that would arrange for mass shipments of tomatoes to the out-sourcing country.  The motives behind the need for tomatoes are for a final new strike on the IMPREGNABLE national border between Texas and Mexico.  By ensuring a nearly endless supply of this healthy fruit they are nearing completion of stage one of their project.  Soon reports from the DSHS will begin pouring in of more e-coli found in lettuce products, excess iron deposits in harvested wheat, cows in the area will be reported to be mad, all chickens will suddenly concoct salmonella, and tabasco sauce will somehow be discovered to be laced with anthrax.  This project is scheduled to be completed by the end of the year, and Mexico will then have enough burritos to feed its entire army and keep them healthy and strong.  Meanwhile, they will have also succeeded in blockading the state.  The resultant starving Texans will have no choice but to eventually tear down the wall so that the Mexicans would be able to come in and cook them food, and end up taking back the state that is rightfully theirs.

______________________________________________

    I’m glad I got that out of the way, I came up with that at work while telling the one millionth customer that we could not give him extra tomatoes on his Super Sonic Breakfast Burrito (which after having typed that, I now crave).  I must say however that the actual article didn’t turn out nearly as good on electronic form as I had it in my head.  I hope it at least provided with a small savory touch of entertainment, or just gave you something in case you hadn’t read anything retarded and stupid in a while.  What’s that you say?  Shut up and do letter of the day?  Rhyme I just may?  Okay, here it is.

  The terrible, and terrific letter T has only one word that could truly be associated with it at times like this: tachygraphy .  This refers, as the name may obviously imply to anybody with an elementary understanding of basic English etymology, to writing styles done in an intentionally rushed manner (such as taking notes).  Why did I pick this word?  The answer is simple, most of you have never heard it, and you gotta get your education somehow right?  You should be thanking me.

    Until next time, good luck with life.

You left your account up on my computer.

Walter,

I love you. You are my world, my life, my everything.
Thank you for taking care of me, for loving me and leading me in the right direction. I would do anything for you babe, and want to do everything I can to make you happy. I love when you hold me close and whisper to me. I love when you give me little kisses all over. I love the way you smile at me.
Don’t let anyone tell you that you are a bad person. Don’t live up to other people’s standards, not even mine. I know you have your own standards, and live by them to the fullest. You are such a strong person. I don’t know how you can stay so calm, especially with me and especially with all the changes that have gone on.
You can be so helpful with such few words like, “it’s okay”. Maybe it’s our love that makes everything seem okay. Actually, it’s not ‘seem okay’, it always turns out to be okay or better.
Everyday you surprise me with something; It may be a foot rub, a long hug, a deep kiss, interesting news or few sweet words.
The support you have given me has helped me through so much, and not only do I appreciate it but I LOVE you for it. I love you for everything. Our relationship is perfect. We fight, we argue, we call each other names, and we ignore each other (Oh wait, that’s just me on a period…).
Our relationship grows better everyday, I can feel it. My love for you will always be there.

Thanks for the flowers today. They were very pretty.

You are such a wonderful, intelligent, handsome man. You do what you believe in, and I respect that so much.

My heart is yours.

Love,
Amber

Okay, so technically this is a repost and I normally don’t do those, but since I don’t really feel like blogging tonight, but I wanted to give you something that MOST of you haven’t seen (if you’ve been following me for a long time though, you may have already seen this).

It is a song that I wrote called soundproof being played with a band that I used to be the drummer for.

Enjoy, or not, whichever you prefer.

Lyrics:

Until next time, good luck with life.

P.S.  I know Drakonskyr won’t care, but I will not be offended if you tell me it sucks   It was a live recording from a show we did at a small club in Fort Worth and hey, we’re amateurs.

    That’s right, it’s the OAFFUP.  That dreaded post that every xangan who gets featured has to make… or die trying.  For those of you who are new to my site, I generally make my entries dedicated to the mass manufacturing and distribution of funny, not (though it may seem) to the production of anti-patriotic, political, hate-filled rants that inspired the longest comments I have ever seen on a post (many of which I have yet to read, so hang with me).  That being said, I find this the ideal opportunity to share with you how the post about my issues with army recruiters came to be.  You will be very surprised at the chain of events that lead to that post.

    Interestingly enough, it all started with a question on my pulse.  I asked my readers which they would rather see me write:  A blog about all the various tactics used to thoroughly piss off the cooks at Sonic restaurants, or a post about how I feel about immigrants coming to America and then demanding we speak their language instead of viceversa.  The list of response leaned overwhelmingly toward the Sonic post.  I haven’t made the Sonic post yet, and the pulse in which I asked the question was made 3 days shy of a month ago.  Truth be told, that post was actually written, and is buried somewhere amongst the private entries in my site that may never see the light of day.  The reason really, that I never released my only user requested post, was simply because it did not pass my mandatory funniness test:

    So, invariably, the project got scrapped.
    Until I came up with the clever idea of a Sonic cook’s theme song to the tune of Battle Hymn of the Republic, but I could never get past the the recording process:

My hair is filled with sweat and my shirt is covered in grease
If these cars would go away I’d find myself a moment’s peace
I’m sick of flipping burgers, can I get a shake at least?
This day keeps dragging on.

Chorus:
I get off in half an hour
I can’t wait to take a shower
This kitchen really needs a scour
This day keeps marching on

Chorus

I got here at 5:30 this morning and I’m working a 12 hour day
But hell, at least it’s Friday so when I leave I get my pay
But I owe it all to the bank so what good’s money anyway?
The day keeps dragging on.

Chorus

My pants are covered with batter from making all of these onion rings
But I broke like, half the batch so now instead they are onion things
And when I dropped them in the fryer oil landed on my hand and it STINGS
This day keeps marching on

Chorus

I need to make a coney and they want it with extra onions
Why the hell did I pick that word because nothing rhymes with onions
Now for a grilled chicken sandwich and they… um… want it with extra onions
This song keeps dragging on.

    It was too depressing and reminded me of how I feel about working in a sweat shop.
    
    So then, for an entirely unrelated reason, I decided that instead I would create a post focussing on human behavior, centered entirely around the eternal question:  “If you aren’t supposed to stick q-tips in your ear, what the hell are they for?”  I mean really, you no doubt have seen the place on the box that says “do not insert into ear canal”, but then what do you do?  You shove the little buggers up your ear.  AND DAMN IT FEELS GOOD.  Not to mention gets them nice and clean.  Anyways, as you might have guessed, that didn’t really get too far either.  Although, if I had been desperate enough, I could have made it work.

    But finally, the other day, my friend who is in a bit of a financial bind, as well as has absolutely no place to live at the moment, was suggested to simply join the army because they would take care of everything.  I didn’t too much like that because I do not believe that that should be the reason somebody joins the army (as I made apparent previously) and from there, the rest became history.
    Now here I am, typing this, after my third featured post (the second one to have been so controversial) and I decided that this time, I would not target any of the unintelligent comments I received (or even the intelligent ones) and let bygones be bygones.  If you really care to see them, you would have just read them all.  But there is days worth of literature tucked into the comments page on my last post, so I have some work to do.  Thank you for your time, and I leave you with the next installment of letter-of-the-day.

Today’s letter stands for salariat.  The salariat is the envy of all of us bottom feeders that are excited because we are going to be managers of a fast food restaurant while we are trying to work our way through college.  The salariat collectively refers to the caste (oops, did I say caste?  I meant class) of workers in America who receive a salary.  Sure, they may not get paychecks as often as we do, but they at least have that sense of stability.  That sense of “hey, if I’m sick and can’t work, at least I’m still getting paid.”  Every one of us wage earners longs to one day belong to this prestigious bunch.  Until we actually become members of the salariat in which case we learn the truth behind this inviting pay system.  It leads to overworkedoritis.  This is a terrible condition you get when you realize that the hours you are being worked doesn’t match your salary.  You are working extra for no additional pay.  The grass is ALWAYS greener.

    Until next time, good luck with life.