Define your love life in one word.

    supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

In relationships, what are the things that reach “dealbreaker” status? Meaning, what traits make your significant other unacceptable?

    This is quite simple.  Anybody who wishes to be my “significant other” must have at least three teeth, no balding (wig or decent comb-over is acceptable), her head must not stand above or below my comfortable reach (this makes it easier to slap her when she is acting up), she must be able to handle being attached to a chain hooked to my basement wall for up to 20 hours in a day, she must not have halitosis, and she must be good at cooking.  If she has had any past relationships, that is unacceptable.

What makes you a good catch?

    I have the best possible personality, with a great sense of humor and an extraordinary feel for compassion.  I don’t give out beatings that frequently (maybe twice a week) and I will not give out a beating unless it is deserved (such as forgetting to cook my steak as rare as I like it, I want to hear it “moo” when I poke it).  My abs are perfectly chiseled and the rest of my body is also quite rockin’.  I am on track to be incredibly rich and famous, and who wouldn’t want a rich and famous husband?  I am also tall, dark, and handsome.  I’m not just a good catch, I’m the best damn catch of your life.

If you had to choose one, would you date someone of higher or lower intelligence than yourself? And why?

    Unfortunately for me, I don’t have the liberty of choosing a woman of higher intelligence than myself, because, well, women simply couldn’t possibly have a higher level of intelligence than me… seing as how I am a man.  So obviously, whatever broad gets to have me for their hubby, will definitely be of lower intelligence, and that is fine.  Who needs to be able to think when all you have to do is cook, clean, and get laid?

Describe your perfect mate.

    Perfect mate?  So this is different from the first question in that the first question basically asks the minimums and now this is asking for the maximums?  Okay.  She must weigh around 150lbs (enough to not be fat, but also be able to withstand some bruising).  She has to enjoy the indoors (particularly dark, damp spaces).  She must have a perfectly proportioned rack and complimentary booty, and she better not be afraid to use it.  She needs to know me by one name only:  Master.  She doesn’t really have to be able to do anything other than cook and clean, because well, women don’t have much more of a purpose anyways.

Do you believe in complete honesty in a relationship, including giving up the number of partners you have been with? Why or why not?

    My past, present, and future is none of her business.  It doesn’t matter how many women I have slept with before, during, and after our relationship, all that matters is that she remain unwaveringly loyal and faithful.  If she lies to me, she will be severely punished, if not killed.  Honesty should only have to be a onesided thing in relationships.  Girls just have to learn to deal.

What are your career aspirations? If you could have any job regardless of money/location/schooling what would it be?

    My career aspiration is to become a washed up journalist.  I plan on getting a monthly collum in either Time, People, National Geographic, or some other very well known magazine.  I will give it a good 10-15 year run and rake in as much popularity and fame from that as possible (see ladies, why wouldn’t you want to be with a good looking, rich, and famous guy like myself?).  After I have milked the career for all it is worth, I will proceed to hit up the party life, hang my kids over balconies, check myself in and out of rehab at least 30 times a year.  For one way or another, everybody in the world will know my name.

Where does your screen name come from, and if you could change it at all, what would you change it to?

    My screen name may sound silly, this is true, but there is a very interesting story behind it.  One day, as I was walking down the street jocking the bitches and slapping the hoes, I heard a loud voice and I looked up to see the god of well hung penises.  He told me, that he could use his incredible powers on me if I simply created a xanga site with the user name “flapplesnapple”.  I told him that was the most retarded name I had ever heard.  He of course said he would refuse to use his powers on me.  I then laughed at his face and showed him my member.  He was absolutely speechless and he trailed away much like the image of Mufusa in the clouds from The Lion King.  I think I heard him crying.

Scenario: You have committed some kind of abhorrent relationship sin. You never intend on doing it again. Is it better to withhold the information and save the relationship, or to be honest with your significant other and hope you stay together? Why do you feel your answer is best? ‘

    I think saving the relationship is very important, here’s what I mean.  Let’s say I come home after a hard and gruelling day of drinking and cheating.  My wife looks up at me and asks me where I have been.  I will immediately go up to her, take her by the hand, look her in the eye, and say: “Sweetie, I have been having sex with a woman other than you.  The reason for this is that you simply haven’t been an adequate partner lately.  Now, I’m sure you are as interested on saving our relationship as I am, so you had better get your act together.  If you don’t improve your ways, I may be forced to bring other women home sometimes.”  She will of course, understand completely and work on being a more loving wife.

What is it that you think women really want?

    Everything that they can’t, and don’t deserve to have.

What are your shaving/grooming practices and what is your ideal grooming practices for your partner?

    I haven’t shaved in 8 months.  Anywhere.  She better be bald as an eagle.

Are the lights on or off and why? And what position are we females in during this situation?

    Although this question reeks of ambiguity, I will try to answer it anyways.
        Lights on:  She is bent over in front of a hot stove checking the heartiness of the pot roast that she will soon serve to me.
        Lights off:  She is shackled to a wall with a gag over her mouth… sleeping peacefully I assume.

What is your idea of the perfect date?

    It will begin with me entering the house of my date through a window in the middle of the night.  Obviously, her parents can’t know about our date.  I place my hand over her mouth and drag her out of the home.  I put her in the car and drive her to a 24 hour IHoP and tell her about all sorts of fun we are going to have.  We get to the IHoP and I order a black coffee and a chicken fried steak.  She will probably chow down on a plate of strawberry covered french toast.  I will take two sips of my coffee and then one bite of my steak before staring at her intently and watching her every move.  When we are through, I will tell her how about how much I enjoyed our meal and whatever chit-chat she attempted to coax out of me.  I will then take her back to my house and after some quick action, I’ll lock the doors from the outside and let her roam the house while I sleep.  I often wake up finding them curled up on the couch with their mascara running down their face.  Probably from tears of joy, I presume.

What physical/emotional traits attract you to a woman? Body traits and emotional traits, we insist on knowing both.

    I like faces that look cute, innocent, and pure.  She must appear to be a wholesome girl with a good heart.  Other traits may include her sense of compassion for everything that breathes, and if she acts ridiculously “cutesy” that is always a plus.

Why should you win Xanga Hottie of the year?

    Why the hell not?  I’m the best possible candidate.

    Okay, so those are the answers to the questions for antisoccermom’s xanga hottie contest.  Go over there, check out the judges, and remind them that I am the only possible winner.

    Until next time, good luck with life.

    Quite frankly, all of the current presidential candidates suck.  I’m about to get into that, but I believe that the time has come for we the people to do two very important things.

    >Amend the constitution so that 18 year olds can become president.
    >Make a tasty grilled cheese sandwich.

    Okay, now why should you vote for me to become to the president of the U.S.?

    I have come up with some very simple solutions to most of our government’s problems that many of our politicians have been arguing about for a very long time.

   >  Destroy every other country in the world.

        Obviously, there will be no more acts of terrorism or wars waged against us if there are no more countries to try to attack us.  Yes, of course, we would by doing so be committing the ultimate act of terrorism, but is that really so much of a problem?  Let us not forget that the end always justifies the means.  What is McCain’s solution?  More soldiers to occupy and train the Iraqis?  That will never work, all we are doing is training them how to fight and kill our own soldiers a decade or so from now.  What does Obama want?  Peace talks?  How do you talk peace into a guy that thinks that if he blows a hole in the side of your house, he gets to fornicate 1,000 virgins upon the conclusion of his glorious death.  Kill’em all, I say.

    >  Health Care.

        Once we have obliterated every other country that ever existed, we use their resources, tools, and money to provide 100% free, no-strings-attatched health care for every single American.  I mean, we all know that China already has the cure for AIDS.

    >  Gas.

        This pretty much falls in line with the health care problem.  Look, the world is only going to exist for another 30 years, tops.  Some big change happens in 2012 that sends the world toward its eventual apocalypse.  So we don’t really need to worry about any long term plans here.  Screw corn, screw electricity, screw hybrids, screw grass clippings, all we need is some good old fashioned gasoline.  Dubai has this in droves.  How else do you think that the world’s next three tallest buildings are all going to be located there?  How else do you think that they have the money to literally reshape the terrain along their cost for better aesthetic appearance.  Man, we need an awakening.

    >  Immigration.

        Assuming that we allow Mexico and Canada (eh?) to survive because they never really mess with us and we are part of a big “North American Trade Agreement” which really only benefits Mexico and Canada, we would need a way to worry about border security.  What is my solution?  Forget it!  Make the U.S. have an open border with Mexico just like we do with Canada (eh?).  Deporting the illegals is stupid.  All we have to do is give them automatic citizenship and viola, not only are they doing the piss work that us cocky Americans wouldn’t be caught dead doing, they’re paying taxes while doing it! 

    >  Racism (by request from awth44)

        Well, I don’t actually see color, but I have heard that this thing called racism exists in which people of “different colored skin” hate each other simply because their skin is a different color.  I have prepared a solution for this too, however.  I am privy to the whereabouts of the vat of acid that two-face fell into in the Batman movies.  All we have to do is lower ever single person into a similar vat of acid and it will purge them of whatever flaws that their skin color provides them with.

    >  Running Mate (by request from vaultESL)

        Unfortunately, Karl Marx is long dead, so instead for my running mate, I choose my left testicle

    >  Religion (by request from relaxolgy)

        Religion isn’t really that important is it?  Nothing more than little games and theories created by crazy people with too much time on their hands.  It’s not like they ever have very much influence on the world or the USA either.  But if you really want me to take a stand on religion… I’d say that there is nothing a politician should stand on?  I’m down with separation of church and state if that’s what you are talking about.  I can’t say that you aren’t allowed to eat Lucky Charms anymore because my god which you may not believe in told me that it was bad (regardless of how magically delicious they are).

    >  Disposable Camera Scandals (by request from fullmetalbunny)

        I’m very glad that you brought this up.  As you know, the disposable camera industry is currently wrought with fraudulence and poor sportsmanship.  This of course, largely seems to be due to the fact that digital cameras allow picture development right at your PC, disposable cameras are almost no longer needed.  In an effort to stop this industry from further cheating the general consumer, I will make it completely illegal for disposable camera companies to plant fake, knock off disposable cameras designed to look like Nikons and Cannon Powershots.  This isn’t fair to the customer who thinks they are using a legitimate digital camera until they discover that they have to drive down to the local one-hour photo to get their prints, therefor it must be stopped!

    >  Global Warming (by request from jodi_elf)

        Ah yes, the myth of global warming.  This issue comes up all the time too, and I can’t believe I didn’t mention it before.  First of all, as we all know, global warming is a myth.  Since global warming is a myth, that means that it only exists in the minds of those who believe in it.  Obviously thanks to such recent peices of propoganda as “Un Inconvenient Truth” and “James and the Giant Peach” more and more people are begginning to think this myth is a reality.  Well, since it only exists in their heads, the correct way to remove the global warming issue is to remove these people. 
        *Camera pans out to great hall where this speach is being given, various spotlights targer members of the audiance, guards come in from the back and escort these people out of the room*
        You may notice that some of those amoung you are  being escorted out of the room.  Do not panic, they are simply being cleansed.  Next question?

    >  Spam and it’s rising costs (by request from unfathomablelove)

        First of all, the very fact that we are being charged money for spam to be on our websites is rediculous in and of itself.  When you couple that with the fact that the going rate for spam to be on your site seems to be increasing by the day, things are getting downright atrocious.  What happened to the good old days when we didn’t even have to pay for spam to be on our sites?  It would just show up one day and just chill there.  It didn’t demand anything from us other than that we buy a pair of DG sunglasses.  When I am president, I will make sure that spamming fees are removed entirely.  Once again you will be able to enjoy spam on your site at no cost to you.  Thank you and have a good day.

    Any other hot issues you want me to touch on now that I have announced my candidacy?  I have a pretty strong platform, and all questions are open.  Anything you ask, I will just add to this entry in subsequent edits.

    It’s a “No-Brain’er 08′er” folks.  Choose Eadie all the way.

    Until next time, good luck with life, America.

    p.s.  Additionally, I am running for antisoccermom’s xanga hottie contest, so yeah, I’ll have more *important* info up on that later, but keep that in mind and don’t forget to vote for me when the time comes.

    Interestingly enough, the Miss Xangamerica contest has become more controversial than Amandasbiggestfan’s Xangan Idol contest.  This is most likely largely due to the level of subjectivity the name implies.  I read Drakonskyr’s recent post on this issue, and I have to say I largely agree with it.  I’m not saying I’m going to be like Drakonskyr, because let’s face it, nobody is like Drakonskyr, but I do have my criteria too.  Obviously this contest IS intended to be more subjective than other contests here on xanga recently, but that is the key word, intended.  The fact of the matter is, all the contests on here so far have been basically about who has already had a more developed fan base.  Simply put, a popularity contest.  That is not how I will be leaning my vote however.  Here are some basic rules you need to consider.

    1)  I am not even going to recognize the existence of a candidate who does not mass message me at least 20 times.
    2)  If you ask me to vote for you, I will promise you you’ll get it.
    3)  You must be insanely hawt.
    4)  Bribery always works.
    5)  You must spread my name all throughout xanga letting everybody know that I am the coolest blogger who has ever existed.

   In other words, I’m only looking for good quality talent.  You must be attractive of course, but you have to have the brains and heart behind it.  Like such as:

    If nothing else, we can learn from that clip that somewhere out there, there is a family with the last name “Teegarden”.  I don’t know about you, but I find that very fascinating.

    Hang hard or go home.  I will not tolerate phonies.

    NOW BRING ON THE LADIES!!

    That having been said, here’s the only reason half of you read my blog:
    Letter of the day time.  Today is brought to you by the letter X!
    Xanthodont is going to be today’s word (as I’m sure you already knew).  No, this has nothing to do with the slightly humorous but entirely uneducated Xanth fantasy series.  I’m talking about a creature that lives in our everyday lives.  Xanthodonts can be menacing and scary, but you have to remember to treat them nicely and they generally won’t give you too hard of a time.  Oh, what is a xanthodont?  A xanthodont is a person who has yellow teeth.  Literally.  So when your asian grocer opens up his chompers to tell you that you owe him five dollars and twenty three cents, you now know exactly what he is.

    Until next time, good luck with life (you might need it)

    p.s.  I’d like to thank theblackspiderman for creating this contest, xanga has long needed a contest of this level of superficiality, so thanks a lot.  No seriously, he’s pretty cool.

    IMPORTANT EDIT:  theblackspiderman and I updated our posts at the exact same time, not knowing that we each had included something about Miss South Carolina.  Therefor, I am not copying off him.  If you don’t believe me, you can ask spidey himself….

…

like such as.

 
    Issue:  #3

    Arbitration.

    According to the Los Angeles Times [citation needed] there is a rising pattern in the degrees of inconsistency of some voting polls.  In the vast majority of voting polls, the question is asked “which political party do you associate yourself with?”  More often than not, a person’s party association will fluctuate depending upon the actions of the current president, or simply what’s popular.  After the 9-11 terrorist attacks, Bush’s popularity soared, and so did the number of people associating themselves with the republican party.  As if to say that being republican means wanting to go to war with Middle Eastern countries.  Our numerous editors, columnists, special effects guys, pencil pushers, and coffee-getters don’t feel qualified to post an official opinion on this issue though, as we are completely unbiased.  However, we have arranged an interview to to acquire an opinion from a well accredited source.

    The OS’s interview with Hillary Clinton:

    Otiose Spathe:  Welcome Mrs. Clinton, and thank you for agreeing to this interview.
    Hillary Clinton:  Oh, it is my pleasure, I love the integrity of this journalism organization.
    OS:  Just for the record, before we begin, know that we voted for you in the primaries.
    HC:  Why does that matter now?  Why are you telling me this.
    OS:  (low whisper) Hey, is that recorder on?
    ?:  (also whispered) No.
    OS:  Just in case, for any reason you wish to know where our loyalties are before revealing your answers, Mrs. Clinton.
    HC:  I see…
    OS:  (whispered some more) turn it on now.
    OS:  What is your opinion on people swapping their political parties because of unpopular actions of those representing their current party?
    HC:  I think this is completely absurd!  Our political parties have existed long before many of issues we seem associated with today.  When my husband founded the democratic party in 1992, do you think anybody knew that the events in New York would ever even take place?  Hardly.  It’s interesting, because I get people coming up to me all the time asking whether I will join in and support Obama even though he was the one who took me out of the election.  I always have to look at them and say, that I have represented the Republican party for many years, and to think that I am simply going to change my affiliation due to one incident is absurd.
    OS:  Ma’am, did you just say you represent the Republican party?
    HC:  The GOP, that is correct.
    (confused silence)
    OS:  What are you talking about, you were the democratic candidate running for the nomination alongside Obama…
    HC:  No I wasn’t…
    OS:  Um, I have papers right here that indicate-
    HC:
    (static)

___________________________________________________________________

    Which brings me to an interesting point, I bring up politics a lot in many of my posts, but can you actually tell which party I associate myself with?

     Eh, you don’t care, you just want more juicy letter-of-the-day material.  Sorry, I know it’s been a while, almost like letter of the week right?  Well, here goes, we’re all the way to W… I wonder what I’m going to do when this is over.
Wakerife. We’ve all been there before, we are on that third redbull, hurriedly trying to finish that last minute paper that is due the next morning.  We become entirely indisposed to sleep.  So the next time you come in to class with bags under your eyes and turn in your paper to your professor, don’t forget to impress him with your newly expanded vocabulary and proclaim to him that you were wakerife last night while working on your assignment.  He might be so impressed, he could even remember your name!

Well, until next time, good luck with life.

god, i suck

   Is it weird that I still like to set my alarm to go off at 4:45 even when I don’t have to get up early for work?  It’s because all those times that I wake up and want to mash the snooze button but haul my ass out of bed anyways, I can now actually do it, I can knock the clock on to the floor and close my eyes and not have a twinge of guilt.

   That, and I just finished eating a carton of cake icing. 

   Random.
   Over.
   and Out.

Applesauce

    Ingenious, witty, colorful, lexiphanic, and simultaneously gripping introductory sentence laced with idioms and pseudo-interrogatory tones.  Subtle or direct implication toward purpose of the preceding syntactical chain.  Generalized and over-stereotyped thesis.  Vague compilation of any points, accusations, statements of disdain, or hopelessly unfunny musings to be rendered in the remaining body.  Random bullshit.
    Formfitting personal or believed-to-be personal example reflecting initial thesis.  Eloquent, mind-numbing “after-facts” soaked likely in boredom and misdirection resulting in indifference from intended audience.  Random quip, satirical or otherwise, forged with the intent of recapturing lost audience and adding momentum to an allegedly important albeit pending goal.  Stanza concluding statement drenched with complementary “I told you so” attitude, often completely over the heads of targeted individuals but worded so fluidly as to inspire doubt and guilt in aforementioned persons.  Random bullshit.
    Initial statement for an entirely superfluous paragraph purposed either for an indication of extreme hatred/anger, or solely entertainment.  Continuation of unnecessary paragraph intended on emphasizing tone or foundation of entire body.  Blatantly obscure reference to image either on the side, or below current text placed in order to make up for uncreativity or generally uninspired thought processes.  Second reference to said photo re-hashed in a valiant attempt to milk any humorous themes from therein.  Random bullshit.
    Intro to third, final, and most “meaningful” of three main body paragraphs while still maintaining established theme of meandering thought trails and contradictory exaggerations.  Another uninteresting example used to further add to the redundancy throughout body.  Additional lackluster statement contrived primarily for the addition of length to entire feature mixed with intelligent sounding elaborations in a pathetic attempt to establish some degree of reputable credibility.  Random bullshit.
    Second visit of initial event or outline created in the piece’s introductory sentence.  Quotes from commonly known sources that have been tagged as being “outside the box” and “of higher learning” thrown in to create the illusion of intellect or free thinking without any real care or understanding toward referenced materials.  Reiteration of thesis with subtle syntactical alterations so as not to sound overly repetitive.  Final, concluding independent clause bidding a call to action or sense of finality to entire piece (a.k.a. random bullshit).

    Next question.

It wasn’t exactly a website.

I was actually about 12 when I really started to have consistent internet access.

What did I do with it?

(the tag in the bottom right corner of the image says it all)

FOR FOUR DAYS STRAIGHT.

    Until next time, good luck with life.

   

I finally answered a Featured Question because there was finally one worth me answering.  You can sell out too!

   
    The story of the pathetic apprentice, which I will convey to you now is a TRUE story using ACTUAL PHOTOGRAPHS.  (As for the “poor picture quality”, let’s just say the camera felt really lazy).

    So there I was at 5:30 in the morning, just like any other morning, flipping burgers at the Sonic Drive-In where I work.  I was flipping burgers because that is what people who don’t yet have college degrees have to do with their lives until they get one, it’s pretty exciting really.  Anyways, my manager comes up to me and mumbles something rather inaudibly.  It could be because I was playing my music too loud, but I highly doubt that.  I turned it down a notch just to be sure though, and I asked him to repeat himself.  It turns out he said something along the lines of “since you’re going to be manager in a month, I want you to train the new guy that we have coming in today, his name is John.”

    That’s it, that’s all I get.  His name is John.  There is a new guy coming in, and I don’t know what position he is going to be hired for, cook, drink/ice cream maker person, carhop.  All I knew, was that his name was John and that it was going to be my job to train him.  “Not a problem” I say as I work my burger making magic all over a double cheeseburger.

 
    The day rolls on, and the other workers start to arrive (the only people there in the morning are me, my manager, and one carhop).  They all go trudging about their daily mundane tasks while I fly through the kitchen like a god among men quenching thirsts, settling appetites, and pleasing customers right and left.  Some workers never even notice I’m there since my movements are like a blur.  Suddenly, as I am about to hand a customer the best tasting sundae that he has ever had, my manager comes back up to me wielding a little snot-nosed punk underneath his arm.

 
    “This is Johnathan” he said.  I gave the kid a once over.  He looked to be about 16 and seemed to be spoiled rotten.  He didn’t have his work clothes yet, so he came in clad in the preppy attire that his mother probably bought him two days ago.  I asked him if he had any fast food experience before, and he told me it was his first ever job.
    I almost died inside.
    I was supposed to train this kid who had never even worked fast food before how to work in my restaurant?  Would he be able to handle the blazing speed of the well oiled machine that I helped craft?  His bravery and dexterity would soon be put to the test.

 
    It did not take me long to realize though, that he had no established work ethic at all.  His parents probably did everything around the house for him, all the way down to brushing his teeth.  But it was time for their little Johnny-boy to go out into the world and get himself a job so he could see what it was like to work around other boys.  Unfortunately for his parents, he wasn’t about to be working around another boy, what he faced, was a man.
    After giving him the rundown of how I tight I like to keep my ship, I decided it was time to teach the boy how to get his hands dirty.  It was no shock to me when he said the only thing he had ever cooked in his life was popcorn, so I headed straight for the grill and prepared to learn him how to cook some meat.  After revealing to him all of my tricks and secret techniques, I placed the spatula in his hand and let him have a go at it.  He was ready to flip his first burger.

 
    It started off really smooth, he got the spatula underneath the patty with the grace and ease of an elephant attempting to scale a rope ladder.  The point is though, he got the flipper under that which was to be flipped, the first step in becoming a man.  A few moments later, the burger was airborne.  There was a wild gleam in his eyes as he surely felt his puberty dissolving around him while the burger glided through the air above his head.

 
    Right before it landed on my face.

 
    I hoped that this horrendously failed attempt would not be a storm crow of things to come.
    Unfortunately, it was.
    When the lunch rush hit us, I was having enough of a time trying to teach him that the “red drippy stuff” all over the patty was actually blood and not “burger juice” that I was having a hard time keeping up with the entire influx of food that had to be divided between him, me, and two other cooks.  Needless to say, I was going insane and this little mommy’s boy was bringing me down.

 
    Finally, lunch was over, and after my manager came back and blamed me for everything from the massive pile of lettuce on the floor to the dinosaurs going instinct, I was finally able to get the store back to normal.
    Half an hour later, I found myself at the switchboard taking an order from an incredibly unruly customer.  After confirming with the old hag at least 5 different times that her Coke was indeed half regular Coke poured in first, with half Diet Coke poured in second, I got the drinks ready and prepared them to be sent out.

 
    Just then however, a brilliant idea struck me like a ton of bricks.  Perhaps a small prank would be ample punishment for Johnathan’s incompetency.  I set him up with the drink tray and the old hag’s soda and gave him very clear instructions.  “If she asks you what drink it is, which she probably will, make sure you tell her that it is a cherry Dr. Pepper.”  The little squirt cheerily accepted his orders and went out to face the devil’s wife.

 
    I haven’t seen him since.

    Perhaps he got what was coming to him, perhaps that was his life’s lesson on being a spoiled, snot nosed, brat. 

   The moral of this story?  If you are a stuck up little punk, you are going to get picked on.  So don’t be a stuck up little punk.

    Letter of the day will resume tomorrow.
    Until next time, good luck with life.

    Something legitimate tomorrow:

    Hip-hop songs are all the rage these days, of course, only as they rightfully should be.  No other song style expresses so much passion for music, lyricism, and art itself.  Whole minutes of work are put into the making of each of these boomin’ tunes, and that requires a lot of dedication in today’s fast paced world.  However, despite the speed at which the world today moves, we don’t settle for anything less than perfection do we?  Standards have done anything but lower since the birth of industrialization and the computerized world.  I tell you, we would not tolerate half of the crap that people tolerated a hundred years ago, as we have evolved into new standards of self respect, decency, and work ethics.
    So, you ask, how can you get in on the action?  How can you learn to manifest quality talent on a daily basis?  How can you too, write your own hip-hop song and become an overnight success?  Well, as I said, lots of hard work and skill go into the craftsmanship of these masterpieces, however, I feel kind today, so I shall bestow upon thee but a small fraction of my infinite wisdom, in the form of a guide:

    Eadie’s Guide to Writing Hip-Hop Songs

    Chapter 1:  Jargon

    The key to writing any good hip-hop song is the use of appropriate jargon.  As such, the word “jargon” must be thrown out of your vocabulary immediately as too many people are unfamiliar with the meaning of the word.  Here is my handy dictionary of crucial hip-hop lingo.

    Shawty:  Shawty is another word for girl… sort of.  Really, shawty is a name given to represent any girl.  But you can’t just say shawty and be done with it.  You have to surround the word shawty with facts about her life.  Here are some facts that  have already been established and should be used as a good starting point:
        >Shawty wants a thug
        >Shawty stompin’ all of yall
        >When she hits the floor, she gets pretty low
        >She is a fashion phenom, capable of wearing fury boots and sneakers, as well as sweatpants and apple-bottom jeans at the same time
        >Shawty got nuthin’ on you
        >The nigga that shawty with ain’t shit

    Hustla:  Hustla must be used in every song you write.  Actually knowing what this word really means is not necessary, just use the words “money” and “drugs” somewhere in the same line, and people will think you know what you are talking about

    Paper:  Paper is how all real thugs say “money”.  In order to successfully write your own hip-hop song, you have to be a real thug.  Words like “money” and “dough” are out dated and only used by squares.  You ain’t dope if you don’t know how to say paper playa.

    Playa:  Playa is the male equivalent of a slut or a whore, however, there is “nothing wrong” with being a playa.  Thugs can be sluts and whores as long as it is with girls such as shawty.  Anybody who thinks that playas are just as low as sluts and whores is a playa hater.

    That Bush:  We aren’t talking about the president here, we are referring to something slightly more herbal and slightly less legal.  Putting Bush into any of your songs will instantly make your song 9000 times better.

    Rims/Grills/D’s:  You only really have to have one of these three words in your song, and no, they don’t all mean the same thing, but that hasn’t prevented them from being interchangeable.  Rims are the decoration for you car, grills are the decoration fo yo teef, and D’s are the decoration for your shawty.  But a few years ago, somebody decided it would be cooler to mix them up and invariably turn them all into the same thing.  So just use these words at your own leisure and you’re good.

    Chapter 2:  Cussing

    The more cuss words you use, the more bumpin’ your song will be.  A recent pattern in hip-hop songs is to see how many words they can make the radio stations dub out on their edits.  You can listen to a whole song on the hip-hop station and never hear one complete sentence due to words being dubbed out.  Consequently, if you can create a song that would have no audible lyrics on the radio station yet be full of words on the unedited CD, you will be a hip-hop god.

    Chapter 3:  Context

    In every hip-hop song, there is some form of setting.  It is in knowing how to use these settings to your advantage that will help you create the perfect song.

    Da Club:  Use this setting when talking about making love or getting low.  Da Club is very popular because da clubs mentioned in hip-hop songs are actually special clubs where almost anything seems to be let fly.  Unlimited amounts of alcohol, tons of women, and the ability to make sweet, sweet love whenever you desire.  Interestingly enough, it seems as though every major hip-hop star goes to the exact same club because they all seem to meet up with shawty at one point or another.

    Da Streets:  One important theme to include in at least one of your songs is to indicate how poor you never actually were.  Talk about your violent and triumphant uprising from rags to riches and feel free to embellish… all of it.  I don’t mean going  from middle class to the hip-hop elite, nobody wants to here that.  I mean, you better have been born from a hooker who doesn’t know who your daddy is.  If you were able to afford more than two articles of clothing when you were younger, you weren’t poor enough.

    Thug Life:  Feel free to mention how popular you are even before you are popular.  Proclaiming yourself as being popular instantly makes you so.  Talk about how much you bank, talk about how much weed you get, talk about how many hoes you have, talk about how big the rims on your car is.  Make yourself a God, and tell everyone that YOU ARE THE BOSS.

    Chapter 4:  Be Rich

    Okay, this step is actually very important.  The thing is, no matter how many of those words you use, no matter how much you cuss, no matter how much you relate to all the thugs that listen to your shit, you still have to be rich.  The fact of the matter is, any body who writes a hip-hop song can make them sound the exact same.  Those with the most money however, can afford a producer, somebody to mix their beats, a publisher, and most importantly, somebody to record for them.

    Chapter 5:  Accept your awards

    And there you go, all you have to do is follow those easy steps and you will be well on your way to the top of the charts.  But most importantly, as every good hip-hop artist should know, never forget to keep it real.

    I leave you now with a pic I stole from my fiance’s xanga site:

    Until next time, good luck with life