October 13, 2009
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Since Vampires Are All the Rage Now…
You may or may not have heard of the book called Twilight. It is a novel adapted from the first part of a popular series of crappy movies about vampires trying to fit in and deal with their personal problems similarly akin to the way emos and scene kids attempt to make friends on their first day of high school, all nicely presented in a manner that would make Anne Rice sigh with disappointment if she hadn’t converted to Catholicism for which she now sighs in disappointment at her own work. If that doesn’t win sentence of the week I will probably shoot myself. Anyways, as a result, vampires haven’t been this cool since Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise starred in a movie that they probably should have never made.
The only problem with this sudden influx of popularity is the fact that for as cool as vampires have become lately, all of the cool has actually been sucked right out of them (in a sudden twist of irony no less). Let’s face it, back when Nosforatu
first started appearing in a coffin near you, vampires were… wait for it… SCARY. They were large monsters with strange names and stranger accents that melted in the sun and OH YEAH, KILLED YOU! Now vampires are beautiful, sexy, athletic, romantic, and emotionally fragile creatures with a thing for poetry and apples. Shows like True Blood take the whole “OHSHITRUNITSAVAMPIRE” thing and replace it with “Oh, honey look, a vampire, maybe we should give it some of Timmy’s lunch money and tell it not to cry because everything is going to be okay.”A couple of years ago on halloween I remember going to see the movie 30 Days of Night with my friends. Actually, I went to see The Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D with A friend because my other friends didn’t want to go and my movie got out right when their movie was starting so I checked myself into a five-finger-double-feature (a clever spin on five-finger-discount that I just now invented and claim all rights to). TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT: I watched 30 Days of Night and remember thinking to myself that it was one of the worst movies I had ever seen. Little did I realize that that was the last time that I would ever see vampires looked at with the respect that they deserve as serious and menacing creatures (at least the movie was attempting to make them seem serious and menacing and it succeeded until the vampires actually came on screen).
At some point in reading this post you have probably asked yourself “wait, is this a rant about vampires or a rant about emo kids?” Well, if I were a betting man, I’d have to say both, although betting men don’t typically straddle the fence, at least not successful ones. The fact is, what is next on their list of things to ruin for us? Blue jeans, dinosaurs, poetry, and rock & roll weren’t enough for you to systematically destroy so that you have to take vampires too? If you even THINK of touching zombies I may have to start a petition to have our National Anthem replaced by Metallica’s “One”. Yes, that is a threat.
Until next time, good luck with – wow, somebody get me the president…
Comments (23)
I’m just going to watch Blade again.
I think I would quite possibly cry if Zombies were ruined. Only possibly though. I would support changing the National Anthem to “One”, however. Solid threat indeed.
Oh, for a giggle, check out G4TV’s spoof on Twilight. It’s rather comical. If anything it’s good for a giggle, like I said.
Cheers,
Taylor
I saw 30 Days. It was ok right up until the anticlimactic ending. Like a blind man in a room full of chairs would’ve seen that coming.
Meh, I wouldn’t mind having “One” as America’s National Anthem… Oh wait… I’m Filpi– Ugh. Never mind.
I thought all the emo kids had vanished, disappeared without a trace. Nobody knows where they went. But are they truly gone? If the emo kids simply departed for a time so they could produce offspring with the goths… okay, we need to be prepared for that.
Meanwhile: http://xbd.xanga.com/d49f4063c2233256646247/m204172900.jpg
Ok, it’s a crummy trophy. The award for Paragraph of the Week is much better.
@ModernBunny - …In fact, it’s such a crummy trophy, there’s a big typo claiming that it’s for “sentence of the year“! I’d go for the paragraph award, if I were you.
There are people out there who can make VIDEOS in ten minutes. I can’t even make a little graphic that fast. At least it was free.
@ModernBunny - it is appreciated nonetheless
FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS!
Dude, I thought 30 Days of Night was about Dolphin men wasn’t it? Maybe they just accidently fucked up the script and put “vampires” or something…several times. Unfortunately, even Ben Foster’s KrunK ass couldn’t save that fail of a movie. Although, it did successful make Halloween a night of teh lulz. There is that.
HAHAHAHA THat was hilarious. I actually agree too. The twilight book, I’ll admit, were fun to read until the fourth one that got downright ridiculous, but then the movie came along and the screaming tweeny fans, and I just began to hate the whole phenominon. After how horrible the movie was I can’t look at the books in the same way. Come on, with lines like, “You’re a vampire!!” “Are you scared?” “Only of losing you!” *gag!* I just couldn’t take it seriously.
I was just asking my husband last night when it became cool to be a vampire instead of something to avoid. I blame George Hamilton.
aw zombie romance zomnomnom. I bite you so you can be emotionally void (and brain void) with me for all eternity and we shall share our emptiness and moral preference for brains over vegetables together. *cries like a middle aged woman at a julia roberts movie*
Interview with a vampire (the novel) wasn’t too bad. Nothing insightful but I remember not being bored as I read it for gothic lit.
Maybe I was made to dress up as a vampire for Halloween much too young. I never felt they were anything more than … well, silly.
And, really, Halloween is about the only time that I think of them.
*shrug*
Maybe I’m just not as affected by other peoples’ obsessions as some might be. To me, if someone wants to like Twilight and squeal and giggle over the romance in it–whatever. Go for it. Doesn’t change the course of my existence, necessarily.
Vampires have been RUINT
Have you read pride and prejudice and zombies? this made me chuckle.
hahaha you are too funny. I’ve yet to get into the vampire craze. Something about EVERYONE going gaga over twilight has killed any of my urges to see it myself.
I’m a girl and I don’t understand why so many girls are falling head over heels for Twilight. I’ve never actually seen the movie, but that’s because I have absolutely no interest in vampire movies. I mean, I love vampires and I think they’re cool but don’t you just hate most vampire movies? The directors make them sound SO unrealistic and silly. By the way, the guys in that picture look AWFUL…- :p
@ccarothers - I’ve heard good things about it, but I also feel that I would have to read the original book to get in on most of the jokes, so I am not convinced it is worth the total effort.
Bella is one of the most dick-whipped, unoriginal characters, I’ve had the misery of finding myself following. I wish someone from the underworld would swallow every Twilight book in print and make it disappear
Walter, not even vamps are cool anymore, the new things are werewolves.
DUH.
Dear Walter,
Twilight was a book series before it was a movie. (And I’ve neither read nor seen any of them.)
However, True Blood on HBO is one of my favorite TV series.
Give me Bela Lugosi and Dracula any time.
Michael F. Nyiri, poet, philosopher, fool
@baldmike2004 - Thank you muchly for your observation, however, I was aware of the book superceding the films. I added that in there as humor, but I think it flew by too quickly for most people to notice. My boss won’t stop talking about True Blood either.