March 28, 2009

• The Otiose Spathe: Knife Recall

   

  Knife Recall:

  

      This just in from Owensboro Kentucky that a local knife company has issued a recall of almost every single one of the products that they have been making throughout the past 120 years of their previously successful business.  The Kentucky Knife Kompany issued the recall following the $1.2 billion lawsuit it recently lost.  According to field correspondent Walter Eadie, a certain Timmy Rogers of Houston Texas was recently using one of the KKK’s products when he accidentally stabbed to the death his little brother Kenny Rogers.  Timmy’s parents say that Timmy was merely reenacting a scene from the recent horror blockbuster Friday the 13th when the fatal stabbing took place.  Timmy was cited as saying “How was I to know that the knife would actually kill my brother?”.  Mr. Bradley Rogers, the father of one of the brothers led the trial and split the winning with his neighborhood community:  The Magic Land Trailer Park.  The Otiose Spathe recently got a chance to interview Kenny’s father about the tragedy.

  
  Kenny’s Father

  
      The Otiose Spathe:  Mr. Rogers, we are very sorry to hear about the tragic accidental death of your son Kenny.
      Bradley Rogers:  Why thank ye kindly.
      OS:  While we of course grieve the loss of your son, do you not believe that $1.2 billion may be a bit excessive?
      BR:  Well, I’m not quite sure what that word there means, but if you’re askin’ why we asked fer so much money, I’ll tell it ain’t cuz we needed it.  As you can see, my [wife] and I are pretty well off.
      OS:  Um… yes, well, what we are saying is, does it not seem strange to say that you weren’t of the belief that the Kentucky Knife Kompany’s products weren’t potentially dangerous?
      BR:  Potato-y what?  No, I didn’t potantitualy know that my son would be capable of using them there knives to kill my other… uh… sorta son.  I mean, don’t you think that big fancy companies like that should put warnin’s on their produce?
      OS:  Actually, I have here a package containing the KKK’s Fiery Cross Cleaver which I do believe was the same product that killed your son, am I correct?
      BR:  Yeah, that there’s the beast that killed Kelly… er… Kenny.
      OS:  Well, on this packaging as a warning label that clearly indicates that the contents are not a toy and should be kept out of reach of children.
      BR:  Well, you see, that there’ll be the problem!  You got all these big fancy organizations, like the KKK who profile against my people.  Expecting us to be able to read and such just isn’t fair.  For hundreds of years we have been put down by society and I say that it is very soon to be time that we can be accepted.
      OS:  I see…

      To counter to this somewhat extreme accusation set forth by Mr. Rogers and his neighborhood.  The Otiose Spathe was able to get a hold of LaShonda McRenolds.  The CEO of Kentucky Knife Kompany.

  
  KKK CEO
  
      OS:  Good afternoon Mrs. McRenolds.
      LaShonda McRenolds:  Yes, good afternoon.
      OS:  What do you have to say in response to Mr. Rogers’ prejudicial claim.
      LM:  The claims are obviously outrageous.  In our society in which according to the CIA’s World Factbook, over 99% of us our literate, it is a safe assumption that our products won’t get into the wrong hands with carefully marked packaging to guide them. 
      OS:  Mrs.  McRenolds, are you admitting to not catering to the minorities?
      LM:  Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood is simply being impractical.  Maybe we should start putting labels on bottled water with pictures of people drowning?  Common sense is common sense.
      OS:  So you see your company making no strides in the future to accommodate for this demographic bracket?
      LM:  The KKK will stand where it has always stood for the past 120 years, even if it means riding a sinking ship destroyed by a tiny iceberg of social unacceptance.  This fight is not over.

      It should be noted that though this recall and preceding lawsuit has caused an enormous cutback within the company, the KKK will not be shutting down for good.  One particular Owensboro plant will remain open to continue its production of plastic serving spoons.

   

  -OS

   

  until next time, good luck with life.

   

  • 10:08 pm
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